One of the perks of being self employed is sex with the boss.
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DARTH VADER: the plans for the jeff star are complete my lord
DARTH SIDIOUS: *jeff* star?
DV: fire!
[jeff star kills like, 7 or 8 jeffs]
I knew that psychic wasn’t legit when she let me write a check.
Probably my favorite thing about zoom calls is when people are running late but have literally no excuse, so they’re just like “sorry I’m late I’m just very bad at managing my time and also I don’t want to be here”.
i would take so many bribes if i was a judge. half my shit would be bribes. take bribes from the criminals until theyre too poor to do crime
Sometimes I like to freak my husband out by asking where this relationship is going.
I’m just a girl
standing in front of a pizza
asking it to not have carbs.
ME: I’m a creep. I’m a weirdo. What the hell am I doing here? I don’t belong here.
GUY: I love that song.
ME: What song?
I love children, especially when they cry and someone takes them away.
CASHIER: [over PA] produce manager to the front pleas-
*scuffle noises*
ME: IF YOU SELL LETTUCE HEADS WHERE get off me WHERE ARE THE BODIES?
the boy who cried wolf would be a way cooler story if actual wolves came out of his eyes
“Lord, can I have a pony?” Sure. Just as soon as I get a prayer from a pony asking for a little girl with no clue how to take care of it.
I’m beginning to suspect I wasn’t sold a corgi
Just saw a horse drawn cart. Wasn’t a very good cart. Horses are terrible artists.
Therapist: what’s your support system like?
Me: about $150 an oz
Someone rang my doorbell twice this morning, so I guess I’m having lunch behind the couch.
My morning commute was hectic today. I tripped over a dog toy and almost spilled my coffee. I made it to the couch safely though.
Butter my backside and call me a biscuit.
[family hears me pull in driveway]
wife: please don’t
wrestling announcer: sorry ma’am he already paid me. NOW ENTERING THE HOUSE FROM WORK
Verbally offered £24k for a new admin job. Someone in HR transposed the digits so all my employment paperwork and contract state I’m paid £42k. It’s been 9 months receiving this higher amount per month and I’m not saying a WORD
*brings bucket of fried chicken in meeting*
*meeting starts*
*I eat each piece, crunching, licking my fingers*
*touches all the paper work*
Listen google, it’s 2015. I need you to figure out who I’m talking about when I type “that one guy in that movie I didn’t like.”
*interview for new roommate*
Ninja: I know it’s a small place, but you won’t even know I’m here.
If it looks like a duck & swims like a duck & talks like an angry duck policeman, then you about to fail a sobriety test son
don’t worry, i’m not like other girls
*head slowly rotates 360*
All Virgos care about is food and like 2 other people.
Why do some people call it a “tuna-fish” sandwich? It’s not like anyone calls it a “chicken-bird” sandwich.
Hey people that twitter says are “similar to me”, where do people like us put our car keys?!?!?!
Welcome to your 40s, you now respond to every younger person telling you their age with “Jesus Christ”.
If having a social media account makes you a journalist, changing a lightbulb makes me an electrician.
I don’t mean to brag but I’ve perfected the confused look whenever my credit cards get declined