Just a reminder that you’re not allowed to hit your coworkers. Even if they’re stupid.
I asked.
Twice.
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My husband likes that clear soup at Japanese restaurants because the vegetables are floating on top and easy to pick out, not at all hiding and trying to trick him into eating vegetables like with other soups.
[front of card]
No one will find your body[open card]
as attractive as I do[back of card]
lying at the bottom of an abandoned mine shaft
The girl in front of me googled “med school GPA” and then immediately after googled “what can I do with a biology degree”.
I have witnessed someone face reality.
Hallmark: please make modern cards, like “Sorry you got your joke explained to you.”
Thank god that racist basketball guy showed up or we’d still be talking about how we’re not finding that airplane.
Last Christmas, I gave you my heart, the very next day you told me you’re gay….
what’s the point then??
When I match a very good looking person on dating apps I send them a message saying “Sorry I swiped right by accident.” And immediately unmatch them. They then have this burning desire to stalk my socials and chase me for validation.
Do I have any plans? What do I look like, a goddamn architect?
Me: Like Icarus, I flew too close to the sun.
Wife: You singed your eyebrows using the deep fryer. Again.
[bankruptcy court]
JUDGE: *rubbing bridge of nose* Says here you bought 1000 bouncy castles?
ME: *lips on mic* For my kingdom, Your Honor
My 5yo wrote the ABCs up and down his leg in permanent marker, it’s pretty much a kindergarten tattoo
My son is petrified of thunder. I told him that is ridiculous, it’s the lightning that will kill him.
This girl text me: “your adorable
I text back: no YOU’RE adorable
Now she likes me and I was just pointing out her typo…
2016: omg, wtf is happening?
2017: is this a bad dream?
2018: no seriously, WTF?!
2019: things couldn’t get worse
2020: AN ASTEROID WOULD BE NICE
Just saw a snake slither through my backyard, so if anyone wants a house in Houston, it’s yours.
*Makes joke on Twitter*
*5 Retweets*
*Makes same joke on Facebook*
*Loses job, girlfriend leaves me, disowned by parents, 1 Like*
PRIEST: Do you take this this woman, to have and to hold, for better, for worse, until death do you part?
ME: Well, now you made it weird.
my son wont get past his bridge troll phase. its a phase all children have, where they live under a bridge and rob people with a gun
Why are Diva Cups only for women why can’t I win one.
I’m going to the gym now.
Not bragging. Just want you to know where to send the ambulance.
So, I bought the Cucumber Mint lip balm from Burt’s Bees. I kinda love it and hate it too. What? Oh, yeah I want to report a murder.
Adam: are you naked?
Eve: yeah I don’t give a fig
Why is the gynecologist tool called a speculum and not a “snatchula”?
The best thing about alcohol hand gel in hospitals isn’t the hygiene, but that everyone walks around like they’re hatching a dastardly plan.
if I were a pediatrician, I’d answer my phone:
“NO MORE MONKEYS JUMPING ON THE BED”
Him: You smell nice. What is that?
Me: [twirling my hair] Cough drops
Genie: You have 3 wishes.
I don’t want to run into spiderwebs anymore. That’s it…. I’m done. You can keep the other 2 wishes.
What idiot called it a rattlesnake’s warning rattle and not a cautionary tail?
I would guard your potatoes so hard.