pictures of spider-man
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writers really said: what if homework… was a career.
The worst thing about being struck by lightning is knowing you deserved it
A werecoyote can only be killed with a silver anvil.
I love when the parent in a movie says goodnight and the kid actually goes to bed for the rest of the night. I laugh, I cry, I roll my eyes
Quick reminder that the Twilight saga is about the classic teen angst of choosing between bestiality and necrophilia
Ernest Hemingway buys a pair of shoes mail order, but accidentally orders in a baby’s size. He tries to sell them, but no one understands
you know that feeling, as a kid, you’re out shopping with your mom, and
shopkeeper, be like $1,200,
then mom, without shame, be like $17.so you jump to death from the check-out desk.
You know those women who write love letters to prisoners? Their vote counts just as much as yours.
I opened a bottle of wine to let it breathe.
It didn’t. So I gave it mouth to mouth.
I have felt uncomfortable before. But we were just passed by a slow moving hearse and funeral cars… My son is dressed as the grim reaper.
He f**ng waved.
It’s actually pretty rude of you to assume that I know what I’m doing
“Any drugs or alcohol, sir?”
“No thanks. Getting those things from a cop seems awfully setup-ish.”
I’m following around cop cars all day to let them know how it feels.
My husband is in the other room explaining to the cat that even tho we are going to bed early, he (the cat) is welcome to stay up
[me on Ellen}
Ellen: so i heard you like to tell people directions
Me: that’s right Ellen
Welcome back to another episode of Did I Close the Ziplock Bag Properly?
Print is alive and well!!!
I’m going to the hospital tomorrow…not because I’m sick, but because they have free pudding if you’re fast enough.
can’t a woman breastfeed their 6yo without a celestial monk creeping on them?
Mind: I still feel like a 20 year old…
Body: LOL.
[1st day as chef]
Waiter: table 3 want soufflé
Me [an hour later]: I can do toast, tell them they can have toast, it’s like bread but harder
I’m just one bad financial decision away from a flip phone.
My daughter’s Starbucks addiction has become so severe that she’s routinely calling me by the wrong name now
All these years you thought your grandma had Alzheimers, and turns out she just didn’t want to talk to you.
Sometimes I think about when I was at an event when I was 20 and I asked this guy to dance and he said after I eat my cake. After he finished that piece he went back for another piece…and another. He just kept eating cake. So. Much. Cake. I’m still waiting on that dance.
My New Years resolution is to be more of an enabler, like yes girl text your ex
[At home school reunion]
“And Sasha bought a new cat, her name is Mittens.”
“Mom I know, you told me yesterday.”
i hate eating outside, flies looking at you from a distance rubbing their hands together like ‘i’m gonna get me some, as soon as you’re not paying attention’
“I’m so lucky to have you.”— Me to my hand.
No, it’s not what you think.
I just watched Hook.
Me: I love living in a place with four seasons.
Me, the first day I have to scrape ice off my car: Screw this entire state.