Why’d they call it an “aquarium” instead of a “Here fish-see fish-see”
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[in the garden]
Me: Go grab the hose
Son: Okay[15 min later]
Son: *walks up with our neighbors*
Karen: Your son said that you needed Diane and I?
The only vampire who matters to me lives on Sesame Street. The rest don’t count.
Not a catfish. Just behind on my lip waxing.
Password insecurity questions:
1. What was your highschool nickname? 2. How would you describe your breath? 3. What’s wrong with your toes?
Me, noticing my takeout salad came with a fork AND chopsticks: “Why would anyone eat a salad with chopsticks?”
Also me: tries to eat salad with chopsticks
Sorry kids, if Santa were real he’d have a podcast by now
My credit card was confiscated three days ago.
Jeff bezos just called to make sure I was okay.
[first day as a billionaire]
Me: I’ll take 300 egg mcmuffins and a small cup of your finest coke zero
My safe word is “insufficient funds”.
I had two eggs for breakfast. They were in the cake I ate…
If I’m facing away from you during sex, assume I’m quietly enjoying a snack.
I have no idea how people meet at the gym. I turn into a disgusting, angry swamp witch anytime I exercise.
For newbies
DOM – means Dominos
SUB – means subwayalways here to help! All day 👍
Doctor: You need a kidney transplant.
Me: A transplant?
Dr: Don’t worry, I’ve never lost a patient. I know where each one is buried.
Me:
Since I’ve been scared of flying people have always tried to assuage said fear with “planes are way safer than cars!” and Boeing said “never mind!!!”
There are 7 members of Maroon 5 and now I can’t trust anything anymore
[Jurassic Park]
kid: What do you call a blind dinosaur?
me: What?
kid: Do-you-think-he-saurus
me *pushes him out of the tree*
Bladder: I have to go
Laziness: Hang in there, champ
The airline I’m traveling in just made an announcement that said all mobile phones, laptops and PAGERS should be switched off. If I own a pager in 2022, I won’t need an airplane to travel. I’ll just use my time machine.
Doctor: “You have lost a lot of blood.”
Me: “That’s not good.”
Doctor: “It’s not. You are the worst manager this blood bank has ever seen.”
Me: Alexa, tell me a joke!
Alexa: You’re definitely going to finish that home improvement project this weekend.
I am such a dungeons & dragons guy in theory. but i just don’t have the attention span to make it work. i will show up super excited, name my elf some shit like Hyundai Elantra, and then you’ll never hear from me ever again
[furious with son]
wife: what happened?
me: he talks back to me and is insulting me in Spanish
[son from room] yolo isn’t spanish
me: ya see
Hell yes I want to apply for your store credit card. Let’s go through the entire process now while the shoppers in line behind me fantasize about my brutal murder.
‘Why don’t you come over here and taste these Doritos…’
– Romancing the stoned
I bet once Bigfoot tries cheeseburgers he’s gonna wanna hangout with us all the time.
Sorry I’m late, there was an octopus throwing pies at me so I was literally… Occupied
This day in history. 1961. In Spain the fascist government of Generalissimo Francisco Franco declared equal rights for women and men. None.
friend: you’re saying an alien pulled you onto his ship, examined you, and threw you back?
fish: that’s exactly what I’m saying