One Flew Over The Cuckoo’s Nest is my favorite book about Twitter
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If I took every USB cable I’ve ever owned and strung them end-to-end, I’d have a cable 34 miles long that I still couldn’t find when I needed it.
My teen practicing her lawyer skills, “We’re studying Thailand, can we get Thai food to help me understand the culture better?”
[face to face with a serial killer]
Me: So this is how it ends.
SK: Kill you? In this economy? I just needed to borrow a cup of sugar.
My grocery store changed its whole layout. It was better the other way so I’m slowly and quietly moving everything back.
Dinner time:
*opens fridge & stares
*moves to cabinet & stares
*moves back to fridge & lowers standards
And just like that, civilisation reached its limits
how to talk to a woman wearing headphones:
1. be the artist she has currently chosen to listen to through her headphones
I’m never more independent than when a spider offers to help me with something.
Naked and Afraid but it’s just me wandering around the house at night looking for the source of the sound in my dream that woke me
Me: Okay, you’re up
Kid: …. Trick or Treat
Me, opening kitchen cabinet: Look, candy!!
Kid: Mom, this is stupid
Me: Do you want candy or do you want to get infected and die???
I don’t use dating sites, I meet girls the old fashioned way: never
Just got hospitalized due to a peekaboo
accident.They put me in the ICU.
HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc u hate ventriloquism
HER: yes
BUNNY: [quietly] don’t let her see u cry
If by “exercise” you mean running down the street chasing the Taco truck , then yes I just exercised.
My dentist has a tremor. He’s a good dentist, but you just don’t know exactly what’s going to get fixed.
her: *tasting the punch* this is delicious, what’s your secret?
me: i added ginger
her: *laughing* my cat is called ginger
ginger: *wet meows*
Her: (emerges from the sea, beach waves glistening in the sunshine)
Me: (washes ashore topless looking like Sigmund the Sea Monster)
It’s a good thing we invented calculus before we invented software patents otherwise every time anyone wanted to calculate the center of a mass we’d have to pay the Newton Estate like 12 cents.
papa cloud: alright little fella, no more diapers
little cloud: *tinkling over desert*
papa: no no no! rainforest, buddy, rainforest!!
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I didn’t notice a new piece of furniture for two months.
I’d like to meet a failed scientist, like I do writers.
“I science on the weekends and for free sometimes. I think of it more as a hobby.”
I wonder if the username “That Cab” is free, cause a lot of people would want to follow “That Cab”
Every time you go away, you take a piece of me with you.
“Awww…. you’re so sweet”.
No seriously, first my hoodie disappears, then my phone charger vanishes, and now my AirPods have vaporized.
A classic example of a cat being a cat.
Girlfriend left a note on the fridge “this isn’t working, you take everything too literally”.
She’ll be so happy when she sees the new one.
[Christmas Party]
*opening my gifts*
Well well well, if it isn’t the festive scarf I gave you 3 Christmases ago
Got tazed at the zoo again for telling a group of kids that some gorillas in the wild walk around carrying hammers and that they are called ‘Thorillas’.
Note to self: just because my phone has a camera, that does not make me a photographer or a porn star.
The letter R is just the letter P showing off some leg.
you never realize how long a minute actually is until you’re exercising.