Just pushed my cat’s paperwork off his desk.
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Friend: How was your job interview?
Me: I think I hugged him too long.
I had an irrational fear of bees until I saw My Girl and it became rational.
All my life, I never thought I’d wake up at 6am to go jogging…and I was right.
Still can’t quite believe the World Health Organisation framed Roger Rabbit
How come Peter Parker can be a Friendly Neighborhood Spiderman, but I can’t be a Cantankerous Neighborhood Were-Donkey!?
a fun prank is when ur friemd about to sit in a chair u pul the chair out from under them and replace it w/ a fancier mor comfortabal chair
Doctors say eating a piece of Bacon takes 9 mins off your life…if my math is correct i died in 1781
You found poison in his stomach? But he HATED poison!
Don’t worry. Artificial intelligence will never replace actual ignorance.
I’m going to need all parents to listen to me when I say “LOOK AT THE DIMENSIONS OF THE DOLLHOUSE BEFORE PURCHASING”.
Just trust me on this one.
Signed,
Proud owner of a small house that would probably fetch $1100/month on Zillow.
I beat the time estimate on Google maps by going a different way and now I need to figure out how to add this to my resume
*died in your arms tonight*
*stuffed in your trunk tomorrow*
*buried in the woods the day after that*
Silicon valley: here’s an app that can show you what you’d look like as a manatee
Me: can I please have cell phone service in the elevator?
Silicon valley: no.
remember if you want to send me flowers today my favorite kind are mushroom pizza
Social distancing does not mean go chill at your friends house
I use the word “thingy” when I cant think of the word:
Me- Are you picking up the “thingy’s?”
Wife- …you mean your kids?
Me- Dont judge me
Telling everyone I’m premed…
(short for premeditating their murder)
From my experience, the worst thing you can say at the end of a date is, “That’ll do, pig.”
me: I stand corrected
chiropractor: you’re welcome
My wife & I play this sexy game where she dresses up like a schoolgirl, then I dress up like a schoolgirl then we sit down & learn fractions
When I left for work this morning, the dog begged me to stay and the cat handed me my keys.
[ opening music ]
scientist: try not to give each other the zombie virus
everyone: lol
[ roll credits ]
I have a magical ability to render my daughter instantly and completely deaf by simply saying the word “bedtime.”
going to tell my kids this was benjamin franklin
Me: Time for bed, son. I don’t make the rules.
6: OK. But who makes the rules?
Me:
6:
Both of us: Mom.
Me: I need a vacation by myself.
Me, alone on the beach for 5 minutes with my thoughts: not like that.
Astronauts are cowards, why don’t you stay down here and face earth’s problems like a man
Superman: this is my dog Krypto, he has all the same powers as me
Louis Lane: even x-ray vision?
[Krypto stares intently at Lois]
Superman: oh god he sees your bones run
Any tool’s a hammer if you’re mad enough