It never gets old to hear someone say “Oh no” when I say I’m calling from the health department
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My wife and I have been happily married for two years. 1997 & 2004
I only have eyes for you. I got them from the morgue. I’ll probably get arrested.
when i was younger i was interested in rapping, but then one day a buddy of mine and i were rhyming in my living room and my mom walked by and said “i gotta run, have fun with your little poems!” and that was the end of it
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Gordon Ramsey getting ready for bed: Wet the toothbrush. Salt, fresh pepper. Toothpaste on. Delicious
My wife is still mad about the time I seductively went under the covers…slid off the end of the bed…and then army crawled out of the bedroom.
Hear me out: a candy necklace, but with onion rings.
People who forget to eat are amazing to me. I miss one meal and I’m burning bridges with immediate family members. I miss two that’s organ failure, total body and mind shutdown by the end of one calendar day
My 5-year-old just asked if we could have Hotdog Bell for dinner.
There is no Hotdog Bell here.
I’m not sure if there’s a Hotdog Bell at all.
adam and eve had first world problems
*first day working the gas pumps*
Me: ‘Paper or plastic?’
My neighbor started mowing his yard at 6am so I opened all my windows and vacuumed because I don’t understand how revenge works.
I need a Waze app, but for my walks. Instead of “vehicle on shoulder ahead” it says “person on trail ahead” so I can detour to avoid any human interaction.
None of the parenting books prepare you for the moment your kid uses air quotes correctly for the first time.
Gift horse “My gums are bleeding.”
Dentist “Well this is a professional dilemma…”
To be fair, “old-fashioned” doesn’t necessarily mean racist; it could also mean sexist.
I recently got invited to a party with lots of attractive people and learned that I am very good at being ignored by lots of attractive people
STUBBORN belly fat?
Is there any other type?
You never really forget how to misquote sayings. It’s like buying a bicycle
The way I dealt with that unexpected cobweb to the face tells me I probably wouldn’t have been much use in Vietnam.
Smoke alarm batteries only die between 2 and 4 a.m.
I don’t make the rules.
I have a type: disappointing
My daughter asked if we can just pretend she’s being well behaved and tbh I think it might be easier for both of us
#catsoftwitter
Sister: “Family shot time”
Me: “Whooo Hoooo….drink drink drink drink!”
Sister: [holds up camera]
“I want to take a picture”Me: oh
I’m getting really irritated. This is the tenth ATM I’ve been to in the last week that’s had “insufficient funds”.
One time I ran into an old friend and she said “omg you haven’t met my baby” and i said “omg I had no idea” and the next day I went to her house with a baby gift and her baby was a goddamn cat.
HR: In the kitchen, you wrote “Say hello to my lil dough friends”
Me: They were donut holes
HR: You also wrote “I know it was you, free dough- you broke my heart”
Me: Yes. Am I in trouble?
HR: Of course not. We’d like to promote you from Janitor to VP Marketing
I had to buy our dog flowers because I accidentally called him our old dog’s name.
Before 40: stretch to prevent injury
After 40: injure self during stretching