Maybe Aliens don’t visit us because they’re all women and they want us to make the first move.
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[First Date]
Him: And, how did you get here?
Me: My parents had sex.
Dear Son-I apologize for ruining your life by asking you to put your dishes in the dishwasher!
Airport Announcer: Please report any unattended items to TSA
Me: *sees random 3-year-old running around*
Me: *slowly reaches for phone*
I wish it was socially acceptable to push someone back through a door if they don’t say thank you when you hold it for them.
Do we have a gender neutral pronoun yet?
My alphabet soup is full of typos. Go home Campbells; you’re drunk
me at 14: can’t wait to travel the whole world once i’m earning my own money
me now: mustn’t forget that tupperware at work, it’s my only one
*on the phone*
Me: I’d like to order a 12″ cheese steak.
Him: Sure. That’ll be $13.39.
M: How long will it be?
H: Uhh, a foot?
M: …
“I FIXED IT!”
I’ve been sick with Covid and on heavy medications, which have caused me to have dreams about my high school boyfriend every night for a week. It was worse than the Covid.
If anyone asks, we met at a bible study.
I’m so glad I had a kid so instead of relaxing in the bath, I can have someone explain Minecraft to me in painful detail.
What song lyric resonates with you the most? Mine is “we’re tiny, we’re toony, we’re all a little loony”
I’m a professional burglar. I’ve always been careful to not shit on my own doorstep and have made a point of leaving my neighbours alone. This is not made easier by the local Whatsapp group where people regularly state their holiday dates to everyone
frodo: [doesnt know how to get to mordor, doesnt know how to fight, doesnt know who he should actually trust] i need to do this alone
“What if we took the sound of a cow giving birth and turned it into music?”
– inventor of the bagpipe
Me: I feel like we haven’t talked much lately. Why don’t we talk more often?
My husband: We can talk and fold laundry together later if you want.
Me: …
Him: …
Me: “I don’t want to talk to you” takes so much less time to say.
Him: How have you lived this long?
It’s so cold, my dentures are chattering as they soak.
To avoid the risk of dangerous paradoxes I use my time machine only to skip, rewind & pause my TV shows; also saving $10/mo on renting a DVR
My wife just texted to tell me that she killed a spider all by herself, get my union rep on the phone, stat.
911,What’s your emergency?
Me: I think it’s a heart attack
911: Can you call back when you’re sure, we’re watching Walking Dead
never ask a starfish for directions
Pretending to WFH while my mom is around is way worse than actually working.
She’s on to me. I can feel her breath behind my neck…
new tattoo]
them: cool! what is it?
me: it’s an abstract depiction of beauty; the juxtaposition of the lyrical and the grotesque[after 50 people had asked]
them: what is it?
me: it’s a squirrel
[Job Interview]
Sir, it says here you’re part of a small group of criminals that primarily kills interviewersoohhhhmygod
Friend: Sorry. Are you annoyed?
Me: *chainsaw noises*
WIFE: what the hell happened here?
ME: i broke an egg
[earlier]
ME [shaking egg]: tell me what u know, u piece of shit
I’m just a guy standing in a Starbucks line, thinking I could’ve milked a cow and grown my own coffee beans faster than this shit.
Never once has a guy said, “She’s cute but I wish her eyelashes would be so big they’d weigh down her eyelids”