[Me as an Italian language translator]
Police: Ask him where the money is hidden.Me: Spaghetti tortellini Benghazi Fibonacci cappuccino.
You Might Also Like
I went to the zoo and saw a piece of toast in a cage. The sign said BREAD IN CAPTIVITY.
That’s easy for you to say
“If you’re happy and you know it, Stay in Bed. If you’re happy and you know it, Stay in Bed. If you’re happy and you know it, getting up will surely blow it. If you’re happy and you know it, STAY IN BED!”
[first date]
Me: so u just wanna poke ur straw thru that little hole
Her: I know how juice boxes work
Mom: well isn’t she a feisty one?
day 1 of quarantine: i have stockpiled 1200 tubes of yogurt
day 2 of quarantine: my kids have just finished the last of the yogurt
Standing in line at the grocery store. Lady behind me says “you can move up and stand on that X on the floor”
I politely said “No, I’ve seen far too many Road Runner cartoons to fall for that”
Leaving wrapping paper and a bow on my living room floor for my Roomba’s birthday
ME: what language is this
BING: croatian
ME: nice what does it say
BING: how the heck would I know
Gravy boat is a pretty stupid name. You don’t fill a regular boat with water…
Wife [at a hotel]: Did you sleep ok without me? I never sleep when you’re not in bed with me.
Me [fully rested after 10 hrs of uninterrupted sleep]: No omg so tired.
Working front desk at Motel 6 wasn’t paying the bills so I started dealing meth to the housekeepers. It was an Inn side job.
STEPHEN KING WRITING ABOUT LIVING IN NEW ENGLAND: The old man who ran the town dump communed with darkness. He kept a Hand of Glory in a 1982 Boston Bruins mug. Crows and bats were his to command.
ME AFTER MOVING TO NEW ENGLAND: Jesus, I used to think Stephen King made shit up.
[text]
11:56 pm
Her: whatcha doin?
Me: taking a shit12:03 am
Her: whatcha doin now?
Me: same shit different day
Blew my nose…….lost 2 pounds of mucous and got an ab workout.
I never wanted to be a member of the Addams Family for Halloween because my fingers would be raw from snapping them the whole night.
[leaving the synagogue]
I always thought rabbi was just the plural of rabbit
I wish I could stop naming Bruce Willis films. I guess old habits… Pulp Fiction.
[visiting America]
Me: Popeye’s? He’s that spinach eating health nut isn’t he?
America: sure is
Me: oh hell yeah, finally a salad for lunch
America: lmao nope
For Christmas this year, I’m putting a pair of socks and a jar of Vaseline in one of my Amazon Prime labeled boxes.
To watch the confused look on my teenage son will be priceless.
When I see JUST MARRIED I like to think it means ‘only married’ like there are higher types of commitment but they just settled for marriage
I really don’t have much respect for those that take drugs and alcohol.
Like Customs, for example.
My sex drive is disrespectfully high for someone that gets winded walking up stairs
My neck my back my allergy attack
Did you hear about the documentary on volcanos, caves, and geysers?
It’s a hole series.
*winks*
*shrugs*
*wiggles eyebrow*
*does jerk off motion*
*waves hands in the air like I just don’t care*
*does the hokey pokey*
*walks like an Egyptian**wonders why he didn’t ask for my number*
Genie: you have 17 wishes
Me: isn’t it normally 3??
Genie: yeah but *vaguely gestures to me* lot of issues here.
Her: Did you find the restroom?
Me: Yes. Now we can do some doody free shopping LOL
Inuits have 50 words for snow. Brits have 50 things named pudding
Why do moths eat sweaters? Have they tried sandwiches or avocados
Is this your resume?
“Yep”
It just says you used to leave shit at your friends’ doors, ring the bell & run away
“Oh yes”
Welcome to UPS!