My 7 year old has been asking a lot of questions this Christmas season and I’m worried that it might be the last year he believes that Bitcoin is real.
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When ITS SNOWING in SoCal you make a tiny snow dude ⛄️
There’s a fine line between confidence and delusion and I ride that shit like a bear on a unicycle.
Just caught my cat stealing my bank card off the table and now I regret telling him all my pin numbers ‘just in case’
Me: [has trouble opening up to people and making real, lasting connections my entire life]
My Kid: [makes 3 new friends and joins a gang on his first day of 4th grade]
Who called it ‘The Last Supper’ and not ‘Jesus take the meal’
Couldn’t find my protein shake this morning. I really had lost my whey.
Me: Happy then grumpy, dopey, bashful, sneezy, sleepy, doc.
Doc: How the hell am I supposed to tackle all those symptoms in a ten-minute consultation?!
Everyone talks shit about the Salem Witch Trials but there hasn’t been a witch attack in like 300 years.
“Michael just bought a popcorn popper. You know what he probably wants to buy next? *Another* popcorn popper.”
-Amazon suggestions logic
Me: Why aren’t you smiling in your school picture?
Child: Because I’m at school.
Me: So?
Child: Can I see your work ID?
Me: OK never mind I get it.
I started my diet 2 hours ago, I’m glad that’s over.
Maybe the refrigerator doesn’t see anything it wants in you either.
me: wow the stars are beautiful
gf: omg babe they really are
me: u know who else is beautiful?
gf: *blushes* who? :3
me: Harambe
Respect
The neighbours that overlook my garden must be religious. They’re always buying me pants with notes saying ‘for the love of God please wear these’.
I am starving and horny. This cucumber is going in me one way or another.
Wife: Sarah’s husband gives her flowers EVERY day. I wish you’d do that!
Me: uh ok[next day]
Me *giving Sarah flowers* no I don’t get it either
Been dating this guy for 4 months and today he asked me why I don’t have a boyfriend. ☹️☹️
my kid wanted me to play but i was tired so i told her to make a friend so she drew a face on a balloon and named him green greevy and now i have to get him snacks too and thats how i got played by a four year old
how come you never see animal cruelty people protesting turtlenecks?
Mon: No gatherings > 500 people.
Tues: No gatherings > 50 people.
Wed: No gatherings > 10 people.
Thur: Stay 6 feet away from people.
Fri: Stay homeTomorrow: ok, the floor is lava
We get it, Japan.
All of your cats can skateboard.
Check out @funTweeters. Laughing until I was crying!
If we made a paid app but had no ads, would you download it for $2?
Tiny son: Mommy, did you know, inside a turtle shell there is a little bed, a TV, and a tiny kitchen?
SINCERE STUPID QUESTION:
was peter parker funny and quippy like he is when fighting as spider-man BEFORE he got his powers also, or did he get some kind of enhanced spider-sense of humor?
ARE SPIDERS VERY FUNNY NATURALLY?
ME: I’m dead inside.
THERAPIST: How does that make you feel?
ME: Dead inside. Jesus, is this your first fuckin day?
What a relief. Bring on the nukes
2019: Crowd surfing
2020: Channel surfing
if you ever want to witness an Oscar worthy performance, ask any person from twitter their follower count and watch them pretend to not know