[first day as a ninja]
me: *sneaking in*
him: I’ve been expecting you
me: how
him: dude, I heard the tic tacs rattling in your purse from a mile away is this your first day
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Pretend it’s a beer… Pretend it’s a beer… Pretend it’s a beer… – Me trying not to drop a baby.
Took my 6 y/o daughter to a college football game and my dream of turning her into a fan quickly faded when she asked to go home in the first quarter because “we just watched this game on TV last week.”
if you ever think that you’re having a bad day just remember, there once was a lady who lived in a shoe
*doesnt stand for national anthem as protest against people who don’t stand for national anthem*
Moms be like, “Your cousin’s neighbor’s husband’s aunt died. Just thought you should know.”
Whoever is stealing my socks – at least take both of them
“I’m really good in bed”
-Ice cream
The most inquisitive of all the dinosaurs was the philosoraptor.
[Baby shower]
Mom-to-be, opening my gift: What’s this?
Me: A lock box.
MTB: For what?
Me: Your office supplies: tape, scissors, pens…
MTB:
Me: You’ll thank me in 5 years.
*Pops up out of your shower drain.
You really should look into a home security system. Let me tell you why ADT is right for you.
Just because you didn’t say “thank you” doesn’t mean I’m won’t say “you’re welcome.” No need for us both to behave the way you were raised.
Girl: I love Medieval Art
Boy: Who doesn’t? There he is now
Medieval Art: Good morrow! Pray tell- How fare thee on this day of providence?
I see a badly-tied bin liner.
Afraid to fly? It’s perfectly safe except that air traffic controllers are all gov’t employees forced to work the holidays.
Merry Xmas.
When I go out in public with my brother; people think he is my boyfriend, which is crazy because we broke up over 12 years ago.
Remember two years ago when we found out aliens exist but were too busy fighting over toilet paper to care? Good times.
I bought a new cat tree for my cats and they are just having the best time playing in the box it came in.
I just discovered petting my dog counts as steps on my Fitbit. I’m unstoppable now.
My mom- I need you to fix my email
Me- What’s your email address?
My mom- Verizon
Not to get too technical, but chemistry says alcohol IS a solution. So I win.
I asked my doctor if I’m healthy enough for sex and he told me I’m not even sexy enough for health.
When we go back to in-person office meetings, I’m going to start out by soundlessly moving my lips until people yell at me, just for continuity.
Coyotes are dangerous, stay away.
If you keep this in mind, you will lessen your chances of being hit by an anvil.
If I am wearing red lipstick you can be sure I have one thing on my mind..
I hope I don’t have any on my teeth.
Why are so many people going everywhere whenever I have to go anywhere?
I can see the appeal of golf, the only sport where the winner is the one who does the least.
I lifted my hands up in the air and waved them like I just didn’t care…..
Ceiling fan: 6
Me: 0
My 5 yo just told me she decided she will only have 2 kids, because “having 4 kids like you did is annoying Mommy”
………. she’s my 3rd kid.
Pro tip: Make sure your email to the HR lady doesn’t say she seems too busty to handle your issues
The Scream movies were believable in the 90’s but c’mon, no one with any common sense answers unknown numbers on their phones anymore