I just found my first full length gray hair. If anyone needs me, I’ll be at the senior center playing bingo.
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My kid made up a song that goes “I love you and would do anything for you except clean” like some kind of 7yo Meat Loaf
When we were at the store, my daughter went up to a lady who was holding a pretty bottle and asked her what it is was and when she told her it was shampoo my daughter actually asked “What’s shampoo?” so I’m expecting a visit from social services any day now.
My salad is dry.
That’s a problem that needs a dressing.
INSTRUCTIONS:
1) Make love not war.
2) Love is a battlefield.
3) You’re screwed.
A fox: People aren’t so bad. I hear they named a news station after us.
[Watches 1 minute of Hannity]
We attack the humans at dawn.
*hires sky writer to propose to psychic girlfriend*
WILL YOU MARRY ME
*2nd planes flies by 5 seconds later*
HELL NO
I don’t use my hands when I change my tampon. I just sing a jaunty tune and the Disney birds come in and begrudgingly do it for me.
I threw up my hands in disgust last night.
Knew I shouldn’t have eaten them.
date: you can’t seriously be mad
me: [one french fry fewer than before] i just hope i don’t starve
3 introduced me to a new game he calls “It’s Mine” he hands you an object and when you say “thank you” he grabs it back and yells “that’s mine”
1/5 stars, do not recommend, but honestly it’s not the worst game he’s made up
Settle down lifeguard, I can swim, it’s just not pretty to watch.
Odd – my boss told me to meet him at the abandoned quarry at midnight for my performance evaluation
Someone should tell the Twitter ads I’m getting I can afford the next sub sandwich not ocean going vessel.
If Mitt Romney was president, we’d blame everything on him. “Damn why is it so cold outside? It wasn’t this cold when Obama was president.”
Sorry I made promises on Friday
If you vote for yourself, does something blue appear like when you pee in a pool?
I’m vacuuming all the snacks out of the couch in the game room and my dog is devastated because I found her secret stash.
ashley: hey
ashleigh: heigh
I would be a workaholic but I can’t stand the taste of workahol.
Cat: my owner is asleep. What if he is dead?
Cat 911: just walk on his face and find out.
After my second “oh shit that’s crazy” it’s time to wrap up your story.
ME: today will be a good day
PINKY TOE SOCK SEAM: lol
Please pray for my friends’ 4-year-old. They found out today 7 minutes of his life wasn’t photographed or videotaped and put on Facebook.
[first day as a self defense teacher]
Me: who knows how to get out of a headlock?
Kid who has me in a headlock: shut up
technically you can breathe anything just not very long for some things
I wish the entire planet could come together as one and agree to refer to Kanye as Kanye Kardashian so we can bask in his shattered ego.
I answer my front door in my coat, if it’s someone I want to see I say I’ve just got in and if it’s someone I really don’t want to see I say I was just on my way out, works every time.
who called them poets and not rhyme machines?
Doctor: how do you stay active?
Me: I just jiggle the mouse every 5min
angel: whatcha making?
god: *pressing lion into grill with spatula* tiger