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Today I saw a kid being pushed around in the shopping cart while eating a snack and watching a movie on an iPad. It’s tough to see others living out your dreams.
“I’ll never understand why people can’t sleep with a closet door open” I say while making sure my feet don’t hang over the side of the bed.
Me – Actually goes for a walk
FitBit – You OK?
My kids are always accusing me of having a “favorite child” which is ridiculous because I don’t really like any of them.
Been in line for hours and I’m beginning to think this Radio Shack isn’t going to open.
amazon: our prime deliveries may be delayed due to covid-19
me: thats okay *hits accept*
amazon [seconds later]: *package smashes through living room window*
My daughters built this elaborate house setup for their dolls, so I went over and threw a bunch of trash in each room to make it more realistic.
Fox News and Facebook did to our parents what they said video games would do to us.
Once I get enough sleep and reduce my caffeine intake, it’s over for you twitches.
4: I need my princess dress NOW!
Me: You heard the lady! GET HER A PRINCESS DRESS STAT!
4: Who are you talking to?
Me: Your servants
4: I don’t have servants
Me: Exactly
It’s been a while since you last tweeted about how much you hate it when someone microwaves fish at work. Are you ok?
So, nothing rhymes with orange, huh?
*changes name to MC Orange, wins every rap battle, and retires undefeated*
meditation teacher: to enter into deep meditation you must embrace a cloud of unknowing in which you forget everything that you have learned
me: way ahead of you
[texting]
Him: What’re you doing
Me: Watching a chicken strip
H: Why don’t you just eat it
M: BECAUSE SHE’S BUSY DANCING, TODD
My husband is out w/friends & I’m at home w/the kids. I’m going to sprinkle Legos under the covers on his side of the bed.
I had a lazy eye as a child and now the rest of my body has caught up.
Jan 21, 2015: The 1989 film “Back to the Future II” showed life on Oct 21, 2015. So we’ve got 9 Months to invent Flying Cars.
Me, sophisticated:
*tastes wine* Mmm, is this a red?
her: [during roleplay] come get me
me: [struggling to get up with my ninja turtle shell on] no you get me
Each year millions of innocent lives are lost when they accidentally board the wrong plane bound straight for the waiting mouth of a child.
I was just talking about how stupid it is that we don’t use the metric system like the rest of the world! 😂😂
how long are you supposed to age potato salad in the sun?
*Hearing my kids fighting upstairs
once I can run up those stairs without getting winded, it’s so over for them
This Valentines, tell them what you actually think of them 💕
You guys ever see the Malaysian Matrix
Always carry a newspaper or magazine so you appear to be preoccupied. – stalker handbook page 2 paragraph 3
I want my toddler to be independent but I also want this banana peeled before I die.
Nobody ever told me that this was an option.
Coworker: “How’d you get that cut above your eye?”
Me: *Remembering dropping my phone on my face* “STOP ASKING ME ABOUT FIGHT CLUB!”
Nobody deserves to look that peaceful sleeping. SLAP.