People who drink green tea, what’s the matcha with you?!
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If you say something while exhaling smoke it is 10 times more profound.
😗💨
Life is what happens when you’re busy choosing a filter for what already happened in life.
JUDGE: Mr. Cash, you’re charged with speeding. How do you plead
JOHNNY CASH: I shot a man in Reno just to watch him die
JUDGE: Jesus Christ
A bird in the… *BLOCKED*
Birds of … *BLOCKED
The early bird catches the wo…*BLOCKED & REPORTED FOR ABUSIVE CONTENT-worms on Twitter
Yesterday my daughter asked how babies are made, and I gave such a terrible explanation she now thinks babies come from eggs.
[1st day as chef]
[quiet shouting grows louder as I burst into the dining area covered in lobsters]
Interviewer: And your references?
Me: 90’s television mostly.
Pretty sure my refrigerator is having sex with itself from all the noises its making.
doctor: no heavy exercise for a month
me: I should get a bell to put by my bed so everyone will know if I need something
dr: normal activity should be fine
me: I should get a flatscreen for the ceiling
dr: uh
me: oooh I should hire someone to turn my pillows to the cool side
Ok Canada, poutine is great, but you should try putting mashed potatoes and gravy on the fries. I’d try it here but we don’t have universal healthcare.
What’s the etiquette for showing up to a party you weren’t invited to? Should I bring dip or??
Growing up, mum was always like a beautiful bird. She would fly away and when she returned many hours later she would puke everywhere.
I don’t have a summer home, but I do have several different email addresses.
Sorting out the photos on my phone now would be too easy. No, I’m going to wait another 5 years for when I’ve got several billion more
“Open the pod bay doors, Hal.”
“I’m sorry, Dave. I’m afraid I can’t do that.”
“What’s the problem?”
“l think you know what the problem is just as well as l do.”
“Squirrels in the plasma propulsion system?”
“Again.”
“Dammit.”
Amazon Review: A History of Criminals
★★★☆☆Not a bad book. Prose and cons.
Dracula: I vant to suck your blood
Me: well technically, no — you don’t suck what you’re drinking. You want to suck my NECK
Dracula: vhoa
Do you ever feel like you’re a white shirt and life is a leaky burrito?
Why are they called fireflies and not Bugs Lightrear?
Wife: I can’t remember beef ever being this expensive
Me: Would you say the steaks have never been higher? LOL
Wife: Please wait in the car. Our car this time.
Customer: Hey I ordered a dozen bagels and you gave me thirteen.
Very Stubborn Baker: No that was on purpose.
The TV show Reacher answers the age-old question: what if there was a really big guy
I could’ve been a doctor. OK, so I don’t have the intelligence or the people skills, but I nailed the shitty handwriting.
4: I didn’t know lizards were cold
6:
4:
6: BLIZZards
Anyone who thinks sorry is the hardest word to say has clearly never tried speaking Welsh.
My kid’s wish list at age 6: An adorably misspelled handwritten request for toys
My kid’s wish list at age 14: A professionally designed slideshow with links to big-ticket items that ends with the phrase “open your hearts and your wallets”
A Jenga tower with French Toast sticks and every time you pull one out you eat it and if you knock the whole thing over you eat it.
The elites don’t want you to know this but the ducks at the park are free you can take them home I have 458 ducks
I DON’T WANT YOUR PITY but I’ll take it.