Me: New outfit?
Wife: This old thing? I’ve had it for…
Me: The bank sent me an alert on my phone.
Wife: …minutes.
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Cooking hack: Fake your own death. Someone else will cook.
38% of being a dad is sitting in a car looking at your watch and waiting for everybody else to come out
The cat puked all over the bath mat so I just tossed it into the trash can. Then I put the bath mat in the washer.
Yes I’ve gained weight. Too many people wanted to have sex with me. It was annoying.
The “bangles to politicians” insult says “come be weak like women because the weak wear bangles”. No thanks, “self-proclaimed real men”.
*Tiptoes up behind a burglar robbing our house and sneaks 10 of my kids’ stuffed animals into his bag*
Women are scary.
Take me, for example…I said goodnight to a guy, weeks ago, and he’s so afraid to say the wrong thing, he STILL hasn’t replied.
The worst part about having your death go viral is that you get kicked off the Queue for Taylor Swift tickets. #RIPJimmyFallon
My son just literally ran into a trash can, then got up and walked around it to put his empty snack wrapper in my hand, if you’re wondering what it’s like to be a mom.
Him: I hope I die first.
Her: Aww you can’t live without me?
Him: I don’t wanna deal with the paperwork.
A broken heart won’t kill you, but it can make you feel like dying.
I like to say something disgusting which makes someone else say something more disgusting then I call them a pervert.
Google maps: You’ve arrived.
Me: *fluffs hair* I know! Right?
My son just told me he wasn’t a huge chicken fan and I told him I too prefer normal sized chickens and then my wife called the cops.
is Kristen Stewart a Vulcan
Chocolate: You’re a little emotional.
Ice cream: It’s gonna be okay.
Grilled cheese: I’m here for you.
Whiskey: Everything’s FINE
Tequila: LET’S WATCH THE HALLMARK CHANNEL
I know
[Batman villain naming meeting]
Ok, name the guy who asks all the riddles.
“The Riddler?”
GENIUS! OK, how about the woman dressed as a cat?
Venn diagrams. You either love ‘em or you hate ‘em. Or you’re somewhere in the middle.
Me: what I’m saying is I don’t just hungry hippos you. I hungry hungry hippos you.
Priest [whispering to bride]: it’s not too late to do the traditional vows
Someone wished me a Happy Independence Day and I told him this is America, and we say Merry Christmas here, buddy.
Sorry my diet made me slap the oreo out of your toddler’s hand and scream “NOT TODAY SATAN!”
I’m so out of shape, Internet Explorer could probably run faster than me.
Thinking about the time my ex got me an eyeshadow pallet that was labeled “great for green eyes” gentle reader I have blue eyes
the sexual tension when everyone arrives at a 4-way stop at the same time
December 1st:
Smoked a cigarDecember 8th:
Finally got the taste out of my mouth
700 people a year die falling down stairs that’s why my house only has slides
In what can only be described as the least surprising coincidence of all time, I just found out that the 5 year-old girl who keeps stealing the buttons off my son’s shirts at school is named Coraline
“no please don’t”
[cop takes my flask and sniffs] is this milk?