[police stakeout]
me: suspect spotted
partner: again, that’s a dalmation
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I was sitting there getting my hair cut, when a spider ran across the floor.
And that’s how you accidentally get bangs.
Customer Service Person: is there anything else I can help you with today?
Me: Is this a date? It feels like a date now.
Your email signature says “best regards” mine says “alrighty then” we are not the same.
My buddy: “Yeah spring break, man! Have an awesome one!” *hangs up*
Me: *Covered in blood and barricaded into a room in Castle Dracula, screaming into phone* “NO! BRING STAKE! BRING STAAAAAKE!”
Me: omg look how bad they messed up my name at Starbucks, this isn’t even close
lupita nyong’o: that’s my coffee
Hungover? Hydrate. Anxious? Hydrate. Want to advance Satan’s agenda here on Earth? Hydrate.
If Kraft singles are so good then why are they still single?
Cop: We found a decapitated body in the bay. Looks like he was attacked by a shark.
Chief: Did you get his name?
Cop: Sharks don’t have names, Chief.
Me: How do I let someone know that I like them?
Her: Always start with eye contact
Me: *Pokes her in the eyes Three Stooges style*
“Oh you have a hot tub? You never mentioned it” said no one ever.
My kids think they’re way cooler than me like WHATEVER nerds by your age I’d already had my license, sex, and a visit by the FBI.
My personal favorite unit of measurement is whether or not something is considered “a big whoop”
We went to a museum and I fell in love with my kids all over again after seeing an obnoxious exhibit called other kids
Kanye West builds a time machine so he can interrupt himself interrupting Taylor Swift.
if money doesn’t grow on trees please explain the price of avocados
E. Coli and the dysenteries is a great name for a band
Someone hugged me at the office Christmas party and now they know my safe word.
Paddington 3: Paddington Goes to Film School
That thing in video games where you have a great item so you hold onto it but never end up using it? Thats me with fruit.
perhaps my fairy godmother went to the ball herself
sigh
I saw a statue of Cinderella today. I didn’t like it, but I found the plinth charming.
I like to play 20 Questions with my kids but I always ask the questions and every question is “Will you please stop that?”
“This is why I hate fancy restaurants, I can never pronounce anything on the menu”
-me, drunk, holding the Waffle House menu upside down
If you see white smoke coming from my chimney, I’m cooking supper. If you see black smoke, we’re ordering pizza.
24 astronauts were born in Ohio. What is it about that state that makes people want to flee the planet?
I did it! I found the worst thing on the internet. A combination of so much awful.
Billion dollar idea: An app that sends you a text when the light turns green.
Behind every child flushing the toilet is a parent yelling “WASH YOUR HANDS.”
Cement your reputation as the office Romeo by committing suicide over an underage girl you’ve been seeing for less than a week.
Jesus “I will come back to judge the living and the dead”…. But until then, I’ll appear in dirty ceilings and toast”