When I was going into surgery my dad said “Good luck w/ your surgery” and I said “you too” so now my dad has to get surgery too, he’s pissed
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coworker offered me a distressed bookshelf, like wtf did he do to that poor thing
*sees oven left on
“What moron left the oven on!?”
*tries repeatedly to turn it off
“WTF!? Stupid oven!”
*realizes 425 is the time
My 4yo just noticed me trying to throw out an old, wrecked piece of Lego & by the look he gave me I’m afraid to go to sleep now.
5: I’m going to hide my toys in this drawer.
Me: That’s where they go. It’s called “putting things away.”
[first date]
HER: i’m really into guys-
ME (eager to impress her): me too
No one deals with rejection more than Internet Explorer requesting to be your default browser..
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of using our years of education to change the world we can be butlers to tiny people who won’t stop screaming at us.
I live 30 feet from my mother-in-law, Hell holds no surprises.
Waiter: how would you like your steak cooked
Me: preferably over some type of heat source
I thought attending Zoom meetings from home was the worst. Then I went back to the office and experienced being around other people who were in Zoom meetings.
[flirting]
ME: Do you come here often?
HER: Sir, I’m the librarian.
ME: Uh huh.
HER: And this is a library.
ME: Oh, gotcha.
HER: Okay then.
ME: *whispers* Soooo, do you come here often?
Housing rates are so insane that it’s even hard to find an affordable place on Elm Street these days
[1st date]
me: are you cold?
date: *shivering* a little
me: *putting second hoody on* that sucks
I wasn’t going to follow you but that bible verse in your bio totally changed my mind.
Vin Diesel’s full name is Vintage Dieselengine.
coworker: that’s a great ugly Christmas sweater
me *in my regular sweater*: thanks
I’m supposed to be Gen-X but I feel like Gen-FML is more fitting.
I received a survey for a conference I didn’t attend, so I completed it as if I had attended and the conference had been attacked by dragons.
my mom: you still coming over today?
me: definitely
mom: great I have a few things from IKEA for you to put tog—
me: i cant make it
Hey chicks who wear a buttload of make-up. Don’t borrow someone else’s iPhone to make a call. You leave half of your face on the screen.
All I’m saying is when a person is intoxicated, it’s difficult to tell if they’re dancing or backing up.
*mutes Coronavirus*
*Twitter disappears*
I just want the confidence of my grandpa in church taking a call from the pharmacy on speaker phone to confirm his Viagra prescription.
Love it! 👍😂
The movie “Up” could never have been filmed today…
If tennis rules were chasing the ball and bringing it to your opponent without letting him have it, my dog would be the best in the world.
yea yea make ur OJ jokes but remember…ur friends who committed double homicide and were acquitted due to flawed prosecution and the backdrop of mounting racial tensions can also see the jokes 🙁
WAITER:What would you like?
ME:What would YOU like?
W:Excuse me?
M:No one ever asks you, do they?
W:*tearing up* No.. they don’t. Thank you.
I need a guy who’s cute charming smells good smells really good like cinnamon and sugar and flaky crust and actually I just need some pie