The Fast and the Furious is my favourite movie about me running away after dropping a vase in an antiques store
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Life is like a box of chocolates. When it’s finished all you’ll have is a box.
I hate when I wake up in a strange house, & have to go outside to look at a license plate to figure out what state I’m in.
you have 1 in a 50 million chance of being attacked by a shark which is comforting in the ocean but concerning in an elevator
Why should you never brush your teeth with your left hand?
Because a toothbrush works better.
I like how Subway sells “healthy footlong” sandwiches, as if anything is healthy when you’re eating it by the foot.
husband: do you know where the thing is
me: can I buy a noun
My wife told me she was leaving me because I keep pretending to be a Transformer.
I said, “No, wait! I can change.”
the embarrassment of competing in a rap battle and finding out your opponent is your doctor who does not care about hipaa violations
Doesn’t matter who you are, when that moment comes for you to drop your child off at overnight camp, you will experience that same emotional reaction that all parents have in that moment:
Realizing there’s one goddamn thing on their list you forgot to pack.
The Hello Kitty stickers on your woodchipper suggest that you’re whimsically murdery.
*notices keys/wallet/pills in a weird place*
Other people: I should put that back where it belongs
Me: I’ll definitely remember that it’s there next time I look for it
I like long walks away from everyone
I called a driver in the school drop off line a moron and 7 very solemnly said… Santa heard that.
I think police forgot which organized group of white dudes with shaved heads they are.
“Treat yourself,” they say.
“No, wait—not like that—”
But it is too late. I have baked myself into an eclair
[Dr.]
“Your blood is 40% cheese, if you eat ANY more you’ll die”
*slowly raises piece of cheese to mouth*
“Don’t do it”
*eats cheese*
*dies*
My friends just had a baby and they named him Frank. He’s 3 days old and he can fix a leaky tap.
Twerking is the crocs of dancing.
I’m sorry I pronounced your name wrong, because your mother ignored all laws of grammar in the English language
Me: and i love that thing u do with ur tongue piercing..
Wife: OMG [storms off]
Me: WRITING OUR OWN VOWS WAS YOUR IDEA LYDIA
[Priest faints]
The real monsters are the people who hand you money with the bills not all facing in the same direction.
Fortune cookies are pretty cool but there are foods that can more accurately predict the future. Like if I drink tequila I know I’m definitely getting arrested.
Hey guys, can so cleanse your timeline with a doggy trying to secretly steal its chewy from its sibling?
Thank you.
Credit: Imgur/bonjouretatsunis1776
*suddenly pulls away from kissing* why aren’t there any female Transformers?!?
there are smart kids. Then there are my kids heating popsicles up in the microwave.
Sometimes, for fun, I like to mouth words to my husband when he’s wearing earbuds. When he stops to ask me what I said, I just say ‘forget it’ and storm off.
I was out with my young daughter and ran into a friend I’d not seen in years.
“This is Beth.” I said, introducing my kid.
“And what’s Beth short for?” he asked.
“Because she’s only three,” I replied.
Was out on the golf course and shot an eagle at Hole 9. Mom doesn’t believe me, but wait till she sees the eagle.
I’m convinced that this trip to Toronto will end with my being arrested for not being nice enough.
I was craving BBQ for dinner but my wife ordered Chinese. She showed a wonton disregard for my feelings.