I was slicing leftover ham as my kids were watching Peppa Pig and I was momentarily very sorry
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What I lack in moves on the dancefloor I more than make up for in dancing around a conversation
True story: A coworker once asked if I’d seen her earmuffs. Noticing she was actually wearing them, I said, “I think the boss said he found a pair. Go ask him.” (I’m evil.) 😆
I got a new skirt, can you see my underwear? *cartwheel*
No.
How about now? *handstand*
I’m sorry ma’am, you need to leave the library.
Me: If something tragic happens it’s a tragedy, so if something magic happens it’s a “magedy”
Websters: Sir, you have to stop calling
it was the best of times, it was the cursed of times
me: “im confused, run that by me again”
doctor: “you do not need to bring your cat to the hospital, that’s just what we call the machine”
Alexa: *deep breath*
I think it would be great if ice cream licked you back.
I’m pretty sure 2020 came fresh from the Pet Sematary
COP: *drawing chalk outline around victim*
ME: what’s that for?
COP: seriously?
ME:
COP: I think it’s to keep out ants
I was 13 the first time I tried probiotics. Some kids were passing a cup of yogurt around at a party. I figured why not? Now I’m in prison.
me: eat this food
baby: never
me: the food is now an airplane
baby: “never” was a strong word
6yo: What does it feel like to be invisible?
Me: (on toilet) I wish I knew.
Me: *watches six consecutive hours of SVU*
Also me (brushing teeth for two minutes twice a day): Thith ith bullthit.
Just left WalMart. All the cute well behaved kids must be at Target.
It took me 15 mins to explain to my 18yo son how to make Minute Rice, in case you were thinking about having kids.
Damn, I just realized that my employees do their jobs in order to get paid, and not out of any sense of family or loyalty to the company. Has anyone else heard of this phenomenon??
Don’t forget if you’re a member of the Tautology Society, we’ve got our annual AGM meeting tonight.
Cops hauled me away for drawing faces on potatoes and makin’ em kiss.
“It’s just too sexy” one cop whispered to me on our way to the jail
You can tell by a woman’s feet how she feels about you. If they are behind her ears, she likes you.
My son is 6’2” and he just said loudly from another room “god I can smell my feet from here and I’m standing up” so yes, I will be burning those shoes
I often wondered what it’d be like to be married to an idiot.
I asked my wife and she said you get used to it after a while.
I am eggnogstic as in eggnog is my lord and savior
I can see the appeal of golf, the only sport where the winner is the one who does the least.
Having a mustache is a great way to stop people from drawing a mustache on you in permanent marker while you sleep.
Daughter: I drew a picture of you
Me: where’s my big muscles?
Daughter: *looks at me up and down* good question
Just don’t think we should be letting astronauts come back to Earth. You made your choice. You’re space’s problem now.
witch: what do u need?
me: a spell to make my dad proud
dad: *rips off witch mask* always looking for a shortcut unbelievable
ME: [holding door for wife]
WIFE: Why can’t we just buy an umbrella?
Me : So I said to the police , “catch me if you can ”
Cellmate : “Them what happened “??