Greatest “Bad at sex” tweets of 2019
Choose your fighter!
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*walks up to girl working on her laptop in a cafe*
So you into computers?
20’s: You can eat whatever you want.
30’s: Just two slices of pizza. You’re watching your weight.
40’s: You gained four pounds watching an Olive Garden commercial.
My kid just told me he needs to take 120 of something to school tomorrow, so his choices are cheerios or my tears
Everything my three year old says is like listening to a weird roommate describe their LSD dreams.
Have kids so you can hear them say “why do I have to do everything around here?” when you ask them to feed the dog.
Hubs and I have fought so much lately I’ve lost 10 lbs. I thought about leaving him, but I’d like to lose another 10 lbs first.
Leonardo the Vinci was 33 when he painted the sixteen chapel and here I am, 38 and I’ve not painted any chapels at all.
I’m looking for a school picture package that’s more than 4 wallets and less than 54 wallets & a wall mural.
[parking lot]
ME: *hits car backing up*
Guy: *yells out window* HAVE YOU ALWAYS BEEN THIS BIG OF AN IDIOT?!
Me: *yells back* NO! I USED TO WEIGH MUCH LESS!
All 3 kids need braces so I explained to them that they will have beautiful teeth but no further education.
[sees a sheep] oh my goodness that towel is still alive
Why do we call it losing weight instead of lightening up?
Rappers: we gonna see you in the club! Get down in the club! Party in the club!
Me: ok cool can’t wait
[is too embarrassed to ask ‘but which club though’]
I don’t date men unless they have tentacles. It’s called having standards.
sorry i’m late, i have terrible time management skills and zero perception of distance as it pertains to speed of travel
My 9-month-old ate part of her sister’s math worksheet and now we’re waiting to see if she passes algebra.
the 80s were wild man, you had bands naming themselves after predatory cats with hearing problems
Me: Don’t make this weird
Brain: Sucks helium and laughs like Woody Woodpecker
The 80s gave me the unrealistic expectation that I would eventually see a mannequin come to life.
Saw a momfluencer post where she talked about how she had a “living room family,” not a “bedroom family” because everyone felt happy and safe together in the living room and didn’t feel the need to isolate themselves in their bedrooms. Her kids were 2-years-old and baby.
Just tried a kids meal in McDonald’s. Unfortunately, her dad chased me away before I got any of her chips.
7: My teacher gave me a Christmas card but it’s cursed
Me: That… seems strange
7: That’s how they used to write in the olden days
But is it really??
“Can I buy you a drink?”
“I’d rather just have the money”
Friend: I need your advice.
Me: Wear less eyeshadow.
Friend: I meant about my love life.
Me:
Friend:
Me:
Friend:
Me: Wear less eyeshadow.
I like how all these people are acting like they’ve never seen a naked 37 year old man fight 3 security guards at a mall food court before.
7 wants to pull all her hair out and plant miniature trees instead
The Punning Dead.
my dog: (feeling anxious) i will need to chew some shoes about this
me: [a pilgrim seeing something new] imma put a buckle on that