Goldfish1: Check out my new castle.
Goldfish2: Castles are symbols of feudalistic oppression of the agrarian working class.
Goldfish1: Calm down. Take a lap around the bowl.
[5 seconds later]
Goldfish2: Hey, cool castle!
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[Girl from Willy Wonka turns into a blueberry]
Wonka: Call in The Blue Man Group!
[Blue Man Group rolls her out while singing Eiffle 65]
If you make fun of a guy named Terry and he shoots you dead, you have died of dissin’ Terry…
… don’t get up. I’ll show myself out.
Brazone : when a woman wants you to always support her, but gets rid of you the moment she is home and comfortable.
Math teacher; suppose you have five friends
Me:
This hot girl asked me to recommend some music so i said Pink Floyd, she said “I didn’t know Pink used her last name as well” Now she’s dead
we’re a divided nation, conflicting on class, ideology, creed, and yet there is one thing we can come all together on, no matter what: younger brothers play Luigi
Single and divorced men in their 40’s
prefer women at their own maturity level.That explains why they date women
half their age.
Some days you just feel like a hotel microwave. You’re here, but you don’t have enough power to actually do anything.
Met someone on Craigslist, guess I’m dating a grill now.
[Looking at ultrasound monitor with my wife]
Wife: Look at it’s little heart beating! Isn’t it amazing…
Me: It looks like a crossiant
multitasking lunch
*Follows dreams
*Ends up at refrigerator.
I think my wife is having an affair, for two years she claims to have been going to classes, yet still can’t speak a word of Zumba.
OK, if you get to refer to your favorite football team as “we,” then I definitely get to refer to the cast of Friends as “we.”
*deathbed*
All that time wasted. When I could have been *looks at family*
getting down to this… sick… beat
*dies*
*widow rolls eyes*
A great part of video game culture is how you can purchase a night at an inn, and you wake up with full health.
I’ve been to many hotels before, this does not actually happen.
What do you mean I didn’t win I ate more wet t-shirts than anyone else
This coworker is in a really good mood this morning, so I hacked his Facebook account and wrote “sexy” on all of his wife’s friends’ pics.
[trust fall exercise at work]
CW: *closes eyes, falls, hits floor* OUCH! WTF?! YOU DIDN’T CATCH ME!
M: Sorry, I thought it was optional.
I’m trying to send the zombie apocalypse but the zombies say they’d rather starve.
My friend got fired and his boss emailed him to ask about some stuff. He responded by offering a daily consulting rate of 4x his previous salary. LOL
Me: Bedtime in 5 minutes!
8yo: *Begins the single most complicated crafting project of her lifetime thus far*
Me: Don’t make this weird
Brain: Sucks helium and laughs like Woody Woodpecker
Yoda telling a girl she can join the school marching band
March, April May
Turns out when you’re a grown up, you CAN do anything you want, you just have to deal with the fallout…
*pizza dough plops on head*
[alien parasite invasion]
ME: Welcome to earth, I’ll be your host
Who really needs jetpacks, I want to be able to start over from my last save point
I spray perfume samples in the gym bathroom like I’m a priest doing an exorcism with holy water
My mom was the best mom. I hope your mom spends today thinking about what she could’ve done to get on my mom’s level.