The Wizard of Oz (1939): A Kansas runaway discovers the psychedelic powers of blunt-force head trauma.
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🎶Somebody once told me the world was gonna roll me🎶
SECRET SOCIETY OF WORLD ROLLERS: Who talked?!
Awww it’s cute how your baby pulls my hair. Like she doesn’t realise I will pull hers right back.
Me: Dad gave me a sip of beer when I was 6 and I hated it. It was really effective in helping me to not rely on alcohol when dealing with my anger issues.
Prison Psychiatrist: you killed 8 people.
Me: yeah but I was super Zen about it
Historical fact: The term “bro” originated over a hundred million years ago and was short for brontosaurus.
Wifey put some girly glitter soap in the bathroom. This morning I look like I either just came from the strip club, or showered with Ke$ha.
I love putting on warm underwear fresh out of the dryer. I also love to look around the laundromat and guess who they belong to.
Me: ok what did you do
Cat: U THINK CAT AM ONLY BEING NICE 2 COVER UP CRIME??
Me: well there’s precedent
Cat: AM INSULTED
Cat: AM DISGUSTED
Cat: AM MOST AND GOOD INNOCENT CAT
Me:
Cat:
Me:
Cat:
Me:
Cat: FINE CAT AM PEE IN LAUNDRY BASKET
Guys, we’ve lost the battle on “I could care less.” Let’s move forward, focus on “should of.”
2000: I don’t want no scrubs
2020: I’m actually gonna need all those scrubs.
The average human walks 900 miles per year and drinks 22 gallons of coffee.
This means that the average human gets 41 miles per gallon.
Finally I have an excuse for getting fat, heard on radio about girl who been eating in her sleep … That’s it, I’ve got that !
Me: I need to get my shit together
My shit: not today, girl, not today
[first date]
-so how do you feel about octopus?
Her: I like em
-Whew! [lets other six arms fall out of shirt]
A guy just offered to buy me a drink. I declined, but heard him say lesbo to his pal. I replied “Only for you, baby”. Now he feels special.
Me: Can you recommend books to me?
Librarian: Sure, they’re great
i need one of those jobs they have in sitcoms where it pays my rent but interferes with exactly zero of my social plans or situations
Priests should not have to live in a state of forced celibacy, but be free to marry and let celibacy slowly descend upon them the usual way.
There’s a song playing in Panera that goes “I got your Christmas right here”, and this just sounds so aggressive to me .
You know how your mom used to get mad and start counting? I think the Earth is at twwwoooo.
Sugar Daddy is just slang for high-fructose cornfather.
*rushing into work*
sorry i’m late. one of my apostles betrayed me last night
There should be guide dogs that prevent you from making bad decisions.
Never give your address or date of birth to anyone on social media.
Armed with this information, they could show up at your birthday party.
With these gas prices forget my kids, I’m about to buy myself a pony
Everyone talks about selling excess solar to the electric company to pay for their solar panels, but nobody talks about selling excess flatulence to the gas company to pay for their Brussels Sprouts.
My Mom says since I’m 33 years old she no longer has to watch me do sweet cannonballs at the pool. That’s total bullshit.
Me: *meeting a priest* Nice dress, bro.
her: [during sex] call me names
me: [panicking] optimus prime
Hairstylist: so one of your sisters knows how to knit, crochet, and sew and the other one is an amazing cook/baker. What do you know how to do?
Me: Buy stuff
Guys, if a girl invites you upstairs for “coffee,” first make sure she has coffee, you don’t want to get up there and there’s no coffee.