SCIENTIST: the earth is dying
ME: oh no how long do we have
SCIENTIST: 8 maybe 9 months
ME: so what you’re saying is no more condoms
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I don’t know which meme to get my news from today
Stand up. Yell, “I OBJECT!” Moonwalk past the bailiff out the side door, finger guns ablaze. PEW PEW PEW!
Why do cows wear bells?
Because their horns don’t work
All I’m saying is anyone who thinks it’s a great idea to buy a black car with black leather seats, needs to make sure they test drive it on a 104° day.
I don’t understand all the fuss about ChatGPT – I have teenagers who already know everything
You call it gossiping, I call it a love of knowledge
Band: Are you ready to rock?!
Me: I need to pee first.
Beer doesn’t have many vitamins that’s why you need to drink lots of it
gonna play video games. i need a mental escape from politics, it feels like the apocalypse
-plays Fallout, a game about living in the apocalypse-
A confessional booth but the pastor just complains to you about the last guy.
“This movie is intended for 18+ viewers.” Bro, I don’t have 17 friends to watch this with.
Jesus Christ. They stole your tweet. Not your first born son.
Using magic to hide the Hogwart’s train was also platform manipulation, where tf Dumbledore’s suspension
If you are in the market for a new fridge just know that my 4yo makes more ice pretending to be Elsa than my four year old Samsung refrigerator.
Iceland is like a guy who brags he was prom king and captain of the varsity basketball team and yearbook editor and then you find out he was homeschooled.
Baby Bella mushroom: Where did I come from?
Full of shiitake biology teacher:
Well when umami and udadi who love each other very much…
what if waldo was in the witness protection program and the books are just a way for the mafia to find him?
Me: Whatcha got there? Oh, I see the garbage pail kids are making a comeback for Christmas this year.
Neighbor: This is my nephew.
I only put one eye on my snowman. That way, if it ever comes to life, the lack of depth perception will give me a tactical advantage.
At my interview
Him – what do you make at your current job?
Mostly mistakes and few inappropriate comments
This cop standing next to my car wouldn’t let me finish my tweet until I signed something for him.
Why are some people so needy?!
My ex-wife could’ve pushed Gandhi to violence.
Some of these captcha tests are hard sha. Maybe I’m a robot?
Why did it have to be the dog? I have the hubby insured for $1.5 million.
Attention & Pizza are best enjoyed, undivided!
[Grand Canyon]
*His screams echo as he falls to his death*
OMG THE ACOUSTICS ARE AMAZING HERE! HOW IS THIS NOT A CONCERT VENUE?
Things could be worse. You could have to fight a chicken to get to the recipe.
It is possible to fail a cheese-making class but you have to eat your entire final exam to find out.
Pals I’m DYING I just met a lady at the market with a corgi and apparently she tells all the tourists that it’s one of the queens dogs because Andrew was too busy to keep them all so she’s got like a queue of tourists taking photos with her dog this is *hilarious*
No, YOU heard a sad song on your headphones and cried while on the treadmill at your neighborhood gym.