I’m not the person to call if you need someone to stop you splurging on 10 new books. I’m the one that will hand you the 11th
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Me: I can tell my left from my right accurately 100% of the time when I do the L thingy with my hand
Interviewer:….ok. And weaknesses?
Doctor: “I think this patient is dying. What blood type is he?”
Nurse: “B positive.”
Doctor: “Okay. I don’t think this patient is dying.”
Computer: Hey can I restart for updates?
Me: No, I’m busy.
Computer: Hey it’s tomorrow can I restart for updates?
Me: No
(A week of this later)
Computer: Hey can I restart for updates?
Me: FINE JUST RESTART HURRY UP
Computer: Haha jk I haven’t downloaded them yet 😀
My stages of drunk:
1) “Everybody, watch this!”
2) Prison
When the cops are at your door have on a cape, carry a wand, and tell them you’re a magician when they ask how your boyfriend disappeared.
Oh sure, straight women call their female friends their “girlfriends” all the time, but when I wanna play smash bros with the guys suddenly “inviting my boyfriends over to smash” is “inappropriate”???
Kids today’ll bang just about anywhere
coworker: did you hear someone used all the charity money to buy snacks from the vending machine
me: *laughing nervously* that’s awful
Kids are like bears. If you play dead eventually they’ll leave you alone.
Tom work hard.
Tom tired.
Tom need break.
Tom book Caribbean vacation.
Tom Cruise.
I accidentally opened a survey and tried to close it. I got a message that said “please answer survey!”
You need to slow your roll there survey.
Me: *Calls wife* Hey, did you know that cats use their whiskers to see if they can fit through places.
Wife: Yeah, is this why your calling me?
Me: Haha no, I’m stuck in the chimney.
Me: I want more
Dentist: excuse me?
Me: you know how you take teeth out?
Dentist: yea
Me: do that but the opposite
Putting on mascara without opening my mouth is on my bucket list
ME: my mouth is all itchy
HER: were you in the attic again?
ME: you mean my Free Cotton Candy Room?
HER: I’ll speed dial poison control
Welcome to your 50s. Commercials are too damn loud. Even on mute.
I took a shower bc hobo is an aesthetic not a scent
Him: Why do you carry a knife?
Me: A sword is harder to hide.
When a new bird species visits your bird feeder
[army training]
Sergeant: dude you gotta stop crying
Me, sobbing uncontrollably: this is torture
Sergeant: everyone has to make their own bed
Instill fear in your spouse by telling them they talk in their sleep.
I like to put on a clay mask and lurk around in the background while my daughter FaceTimes her friends.
A bird laments over the corpse of its fallen comrade. “Tern down. For what?”
when u have guests over for dinner it’s an absolute power move to just make up appliances. yell from the kitchen, “honey where’s the garlic thumper” and ur husband or wife can yell back “it should be right next to the wine gun” and ur friend will be like “wtf i want a wine gun”
Very tired of the NSA reading my tweets and not retweeting them.
My cat likes to trampoline on my bladder if I don’t feed him. He knows just the spot that will get me leaping out of bed at 5 or 6 am.
My wheelchair keeps making a screaming noise when I run over people.
When I get to somebody’s house, I text them, because knocking on doors is for poor people.
[Justice League HQ]
Batman: Hahaha *changes his HBO GO® password and doesn’t give the new one to The Flash*
“If ya wanna go and take a ride with me / wear your seatbelt” – Nervous Nelly