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The art of conversation, otherwise known as two or more people each awaiting their chance to interrupt.
I once worked with a girl named Brittanica…she was a bit aloof though I didn’t really know how to read her
The opposite of having in-laws over is having outlaws over which is also a lot like having in-laws over.
Get married so you can spend the rest of your life closing kitchen drawers and cabinets.
Watching a documentary on a murder in a small town and there was probably a total of 7 teeth among all the people that were interviewed.
“Dad, are we pyromaniacs?”
” Yes, we arson.”
#HatDadJoke
At work, my colleagues are well-educated, dedicated professionals who do their best to assure quality and a positive result.
At home, my colleague is a 4yo who gets underfoot as I work in the yard—but who yells at every passerby “I’M HELPING DADDY!!!”
I like this way better.
These weekends are starting to feel as long as a lunch break.
Inventor of the ceiling fan: It has two speeds: off and Mach 2
Friend: What?
Inventor: There’s also a switch on it so no one will know which way it’s supposed to turn
Friend: Who hurt you?
I told my kids we get visited by the Easter Chicken because bunnies don’t lay eggs.
“Now you sound ridiculous,” said 8.
Treat your guests like family, so they don’t stay too long.
SHOUTS OUT TO UTERUSES, THE ORIGINAL 3-D PRINTERS
I’ll grant you this, missing our scheduled call because you “had to chase and catch your pet pig” is the best reason I’ve ever heard.
*getting murdered* omg stop you can get in a lot of trouble for this.
When you find out your hotel has a waffle bar.
every Crock-Pot recipe:
– add anything in the house
– cook 3-19 hours on low
Some girl I don’t even know has been telling people that I’m her boyfriend. I’m flattered but I prefer to be the psychotic one in the relationship.
Might buy an ice-cream truck just so that I can drive it around town, playing the jingle, whilst eating the inventory all by myself in plain view of the public.
turtles are just lizards who work in construction
I picked my nephew up from school & I asked him “how was school?” This boy gonna say “Why you ask me that everytime you see me, you never went to school?”
Brazone : when a woman wants you to always support her, but gets rid of you the moment she is home and comfortable.
[At a 5 star restaurant]
*gestures at entire menu*
Are any of these words fancy speak for chicken fingers and fries?
Vegans aren’t so bad. They taste like chicken.
*seductively unhooks bra, & two cheese balls fall out*
The worst thing about living in the city must be cleaning all the dead parkour people out of your chimney.
My personal history can best be understood as a series of catastrophes.
KIM JONG UN: I am the angriest craziest most unstable leader in the world and I have the worst haircut
DONALD TRUMP: hold my beer
Still can’t quite believe the World Health Organisation framed Roger Rabbit
I never interrupt because I’m rude. I interrupt because I’m more interesting.
Coworker: I have a degree in History. Me: That’ll really come in handy if life starts going backwards.