If your dog & your baby are fighting, it’s important to leave them to it so that a pack leader can be established.
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I don’t understand how people in the Walking Dead are living in the zombie apocalypse and they still look more well rested than I do
I like to reassure my wife that even though I don’t have huge muscles she is always safe with me cause I’m a really loud screamer.
i aspire to be the type of grandparent that my grandkids can differentiate from a wolf wearing a nightgown
Every country has a wafer cookie, and every country thinks they invented it
The seatbelt sensor dinged at my 5yo because he unbuckled while we were parked, and he yelled back MY MOM SAID I COULD OK
[SEXTING]
ME: tell me what you likeHER: I really get off on exhibitionism
ME: OK, cool, weird that museums turn you on but cool
Me: I feel good
My Brain: [scrolling through intrusive thought rolodex] “yeah ok, hang on”
That motorcycle salesman didn’t have to laugh when I asked if they came with training wheels.
Starting to consider a run for political office. Not because I want to do anything, but I’m curious what sort of shit they dig up on me. Would be nice for someone to piece together my 20s.
it is my belief that rhinos and hippos are husband and wife
Therapist: Do you have a support system?
Me: I have a lumbar pillow.
Therapist: No, I mean a family, friends?
Me: I have a lumbar pillow.
my best friend is a guy and we have a pact that if we’re both still single at 37 we’ll hunt each other for sport
Hello 911.
“He’s back what do I do?”
Brent?
“Yes”
It’s the just the mailman remember
“Ok, sorry.”
Bye
“Wait, he put something in my mailbo
[Commercial for axes]
[A lumberjack swinging a dead goat against a tree in the woods]
*Turns to camera*
“There has to be a better way?”
As someone with extensive IT experience, I can almost guarantee the AT&T outage yesterday was over some certificate expiring somewhere and nobody knowing how to regenerate it because Carl got laid off seven years ago and the only machine with the keys decommissioned in 2019.
A Spanish bodybuilder told me he’s run out of protein powder.
I thought: “No whey, Jose.”
I just found a human tooth and a pair of underwear in my purse. I might be a serial killer or I might be a mom, you’ll never know.
Him: I love you, you smart, gorgeous woman.
Me: *Picks bug off of him and eats it*
I will be celebrating Columbus Day by setting sail for India, landing in Spain, and telling everyone who lives there to move out.
the worst part about getting murdered has to be meeting a new person
Her: Kids! The moving van is here. Bring the boxes
Me: All vans are moving vans LOL
Her: And this is why we’re leaving
Men: Take Route 2 to the 156 and get on the 7.
Me: I DO NOT KNOW WHAT THIS MEANS.
A 23-yr-old woman in India fought off an adult tiger with a stick.
My cat stole my tuna sandwich right out of my hand.
I was gonna say “that’s the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard” but, I wanna wait to hear what you have to say next..
#CancelDJDarrellRipley
A woman saying “I’m not mad at you” is like a dentist saying “You wont feel a thing”..
What do geologists do on a day by day basis? I mean…haven’t we basically discovered all the rocks by now? I don’t get it.
Daughter: Finally got a workout in today.
Me: Where? The basement?
Daughter: No, up in my room.
Me: What did you do? An obstacle course?
Daughter:
Being single gives me time to focus on other things like getting fat
Apparently Mr. Neeson’s “particular set of skills” is terrible at keeping his family from getting kidnapped.
The hardest part of my kid unexpectedly falling out of her chair unprovoked is waiting until her back is turned so I can laugh.