the vaccine could be radioactive dumpster water & it would still be healthier than most of what I put into my body during quarantine
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[playing with a Ouija board with my dog]
Board: B A L L
Me: I know that’s you moving it! Stop!
Board: T R E A T S
My headphones have been pausing to say “battery low” every 2 minutes for the past hour. This is how music is meant to be enjoyed.
Sorry if you feel foolish, but that’s how sarcasm works… Einstein.
How software testing works
“none of your ridiculous drink recipes tonight, ok dan?”
I promise
[later]
*stuffing flatbread into blender* WHO WANTS A PITA COLADA
I’m smoking about a pack of Canadian Wildfires a day
Me: Hello?
Satan: I’d like to make a return
Me: ALL SALES ARE FINAL
Every time someone in a movie is being stalked, it’s like they can’t even hear the suspenseful music.
a badder mouse
Older single ladies,
Older single ladies,
Older single ladies,
Older single ladies,
Older single ladies,
Now put your cats up!
Is this one haunted?
“No”
What about that one?
“Ma’am, none of the booze is haunted”
What kind of wine and spirits store is this?!
I am bored. Anyone need anything avenged?
[millennial children kindergarten roll call]
Teacher: Nancy?
Nancy: here
Nanci: here
Nancee: here
Pnancy: Here
Gnancy: here
I got fired from the church nursery for racing the babies.
Things Ted Cruz and I have in common:
1. Love butter
2. Shy eyes
3. Resurrected from the grave during satanic bloodmoon ritual
4. Brown hair
Mom: Time to wake updog.
Son: *groggily* What’s updog?
Mom: Just waking you up for school, dog, what’s up wit u?
Dad (from hallway): OWNED
Me: OMG WHAT THE HELL
Child: The news said it’s more sanitary to sneeze into an elbow.
Me: THEY MEAN YOUR OWN ELBOW
If I stop talking to someone, I don’t delete them from my phone, I just change their contact info to Scam Likely
I like to think of brunch as the purest form of anarchy. Want a burger between 2 waffles? Go for it. Scrambled eggs on a brownie? Heck yeah! Toss some onion rings in those Froot Loops, you are ungovernable. For 90 glorious minutes, all rules of polite society have been suspended.
Snape: but my lord, isn’t it more likely that the pure blooded child will have the magical ability to oppose you?
Voldemort: my nemesis isn’t going to be named Longbottom, jfc
So crazy to think that a group of ninjas could be fighting right next to me and I’d never know
won’t smith
I’am drinking with my new GF and her gay friend from work. So there’s 100% chance I’am getting laid and a 50% chance I’ll like it.
I keep having this dream where an old, floating man with a giant, white beard is commanding me to build a giant hazmat suit, big enough to contain my entire family and two of every animal of the world. Wierd, I know!
An enterprising divorce lawyer would set up a booth on a Sunday at a cut-your-own Christmas tree farm.
How do you pronounce “The baby formerly known as X Æ A-12.”?
I’m trying to get this list of reasons I gave up on humanity just right.
A baby’s smile can light up a room. Unless it’s pitch black. Then the baby is totally useless.
My toxic trait is drinking a giant cup of water and then getting on an hour and a half conference call
My neighbors were up shouting all night. I could barely hear my bagpipes.