[Fairground]
Son: Daddy can I have a balloon?
Me: If you’re good.
Son: Good at what?
Me: Buying your own balloons
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I don’t like to wear workout clothes. When people see me jogging they probably think “Why is he wearing boots? Why is he jogging at night? It’s way too hot to be wearing a ski mask. Is that an exercise knife?”
Do those “selfie sticks” retract, or do you just have to walk around like a doofus with a stick all day?
My husband is helping me relax this morning by making the kids lunches. He’s asked me 57 times what goes in each lunchbox, and still hasn’t found the bread yet.
God: have u gathered 2 of every animal?
Noah: yes
God: including the dinosaurs?
CUT TO: NOAH RUNNING FOR HIS LIFE AFTER TRYING TO CATCH A DINOSAUR
Noah: ….ya
Email: Would you like to have some fun?
Me: No thanks.
*deletes without opening*
Why does the bad guy always have to know some form of martial art? Why cant they just throw stuff while screaming “stay away from me!”
It would be so much less cinematic if they remade The Crow but it was a movie called The Seagull and it’s just a guy who runs about screaming for no reason and steals people’s food.
I told my mom about some advice I gave my nephew and she replied “it’s great you did that, better from you than an adult”
Chameleon wife: “Does my bum look big in this dress?”
Chameleon husband: “What dress? Where are you?”
i was one of the palm trees waving around in the background of every 16 bit game in the 90’s so yes random guy you do know me from somewhere
The “walk of shame” should be going to a bar the next morning after being drunk looking for your lost debit card.
If you don’t know the right way to bend your knees and lower yourself for exercise purposes then you don’t know squat.
I’m just a girl, standing in a public restroom, begging someone, anyone, to install better ventilation
if I ever have a daughter I’m gonna name her Erica but spell it Airwrecka
You never see zombies lying around being lazy, so maybe we should EMBRACE the possibility of a zombie apocalypse. I think it could turn some of us into real go-getters.
*Seductively stripping out of clothes.
Gynecologist: Please stop that.
Hobo-looking dad with preschooler who won’t stop seeks similarly afflicted for caffeine, playdates.
a BIG dipper ? in this astronomy ?
My husbands jealousy is getting ridiculous. The other day he looked at my calendar and wanted to know who June was.
ME: [holding door for wife]
WIFE: Why can’t we just buy an umbrella?
If I could be any animal I’d pick a turtle, strictly for the chance, however slight, I could be turned into a ninja.
I dated a guy who always kneeled and prayed before sex. I still don’t know if he was scared of what I’d do or thankful. Either way, amen.
Hell hath no fury like a kid watching his friend sporting the same toy he broke a while ago
[Running away from home]
Me: I didn’t even know houses could run this fast!
Raising Twins
Twin 1: *looking at an old photo album* Is this me?
Me: I literally have no idea.
Didn’t realize how much motherhood had changed me until I army crawled in & out of my sleeping baby’s room to get my 1/2 cup of cold coffee.
(friend who didn’t get invited on the blair witch project trip) ah jeez that’s awful. tragic. and you found all their footage? so did they ever like.. explain why they could only bring 3 people in a car that seats 4 or like
*panics during bank robbery*
“Uhhhh hi yeah I’d like to put this gun in my safety deposit box”
back in my day criminals had the decency to carry around a sack with a “$” on it so you knew what they were up to