Just another unrealistic body expectation for women
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Rarely does an interaction with someone end with me thinking “I guess I was wrong about people.”
Grind me like corn, so I know it’s meal.
Obligatory April 25th Meme Tweet 😆
18-22 is a confusing age. I got friends getting married, some in prison, and some still have to ask their parents to stay out past curfew.
What Harry Potter house am I in?! I am a SERIOUS and MATURE adult.
So Ravenclaw.
I can’t tell if I lost weight or stretched out my pants beyond the point of no return.
How to unravel a sweater…
A thread 🧵
me: [excitedly opening litter box] those are not kittens
“Remember where we parked.”
-Me, to my dog.
I assume people who don’t hate people also don’t drive.
Where do storm troopers sit when they go to church?
In a pewpewpew
It’s not you.
Just the things you say, think, and do.
20: sometimes you see someone so basic you just know they listen to the Beatles
Me: hey!
20: oh it’s okay for you to listen to the Beatles. You’re old
“Eat cheese and sin.”
This is… the best street art sticker I’ve ever seen?!
Got in a relationship 15 hours ago and right on schedule, 3 men from my past have hit me up
Ever since those 2 weeks in 2008 when no one noticed I was missing, I won’t go into a corn maze without a machete.
The average life expectancy for a human being is one life.
6y/o: I don’t want to be a hunter when I grow up. I don’t want to kill animals anymore.
Me: ANYMORE!? *googling serial killer warning signs*
If life gives you a cactus that doesn’t mean you have to sit on it.
SHAGGY: what did the vet say you have
SCOOBY DOO: rabies
SHAGGY: zoinks i didn’t even know you could get pregnant
the beatles: all you need is love
haddaway: I have a question
Paranormal activity camera 3:33am…
Only catches me eating a chicken leg while doing the robot in my underwear.
my wife came home from church and caught me and Gary trying her jeans on again .
Loan officer: What’s your social?
Me: Mostly Twitter, sometimes Facebook when I want to see what my friends and family are fighting about.
Every Father’s Day I think about the time I jokingly asked my 4 year-old daughter if she was going to get me a “World’s Best Dad” mug. “Nope,” she said gravely. “I haven’t met all the dads in the world.”
Not to brag, but my father bit someone’s ear off long before Mike Tyson made it cool.
[date]
Me: ‘Don’t let her know ur a boxing ring announcer…’
Her: “Shall we order dessert?”
Me: “LET’S GET READY TO EAT APPLE CRUUUUMBLE!”
I mentioned to my wife that her lingerie is quite revealing…
and she replied, “Well, then wear your own!”
3 eggs may not feed my family, but I found 2 boxes of cake mix and Mama ’bout to turn water into wine.
Got fired as a detective.
I have no clue why