The next time I accidentally wear a red shirt to target I’m just gonna tell everyone there is a sale on deer meat in isle six
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Me, to the fellas: Load up. We getting magical tonight.
If you’re tired of “food” and want to try something a bit more sophisticated, may I recommend “cuisine”?
This lady in Walgreens is staring at me like she’s never seen anyone put on deodorant and then put it back on the shelf.
It’s an honour @thefunnytweeter – – thank you.
People would be more motivated to lose weight if the weight they lost went on to someone they didn’t like. 🤷🏻♀️ 🍩
Me: [Advancing my knight] How much to build a hotel on this square?
Grim Reaper: First, as I explained, that’s not how the horse moves.
Happy mothers day to all the moms out there.
angel: so this birth thing should probably be as simple as possible
god: yeah i was thinking we start with an army of tiny genetic ghost tadpoles that live in the balls
angel: ok first question why
god: wait i’m not finished
Wrote in my Gratitude Journal, like I do every day, that I’m particularly thankful for my Spite Journal, which now comprises several handsome volumes.
God: *closes a door*
Kids: CHALLENGE ACCEPTED
me: ok for that, i need you to roll a perception check
cop: that’s not how this works
I hope that if I ever have to call 9-1-1 for an emergency an essential oil person is not the operator.
Help, I’m hurt.
Try Lavender.
Me: Would you like a sample?
Boss: What are you doing?
Me: Handing out free samples.
Boss: No, you’re supposed to take samples from people, not hand them out!
Me: This is a weird Costco.
Boss: This is a sperm bank and you’re fired.
I sent a coworker a 15 page document as 15 one page PDF files rather than one 15 page PDF file.
Passive-aggressive level achieved: Expert
Remember that Pi Day is just a made-up holiday invented by mathematicians to sell you more math.
I accidentally bought organic milk instead of regular and now my family is so broke we are forced to live in a shack and make clothes out of recycled hair.
Told my coworker I want a dragon. He said I’m crazy for wanting anything that might set all my shit on fire but he’s the one that’s married.
Me: must sleep in the correct position on a mattress with the exact right hardness or suffer for 48 hours
cats:
[crime scene]
BATMAN: Who the hell are you?
MANBAT: Who the hell are YOU?
BATMAN: I’m Batman. A man who dresses like a bat.
MANBAT: I’m Manbat. A bat who dresses like a man.
[BATBAT arrives]
BATBAT: Who the hell are you two?
OMG YOU SHOULD DO A CARTWHEEL RIGHT NOW
– alcohol
Don’t advertise “All You Can Eat” then drag me out kicking and screaming with fists full of shrimp.
and on the 8th day, god created a website for u to meet the hot christian singles in ur area
the first snowflake of winter: *falls*
my body: WE DEMAND SOUP
I have two things hanging up in my office:
1. Pictures of my family
2. Generic emails from HR about things I specifically know I did
what do you mean mosquito spray expires? that’s what i’m trying to do. poison them.
I’ll never understand the appeal of TV shows about food. To me that’s like listening to the Victoria Secret Fashion Show on the radio.
Praying for people who setup a 5PM work meeting on a Friday to be blessed with the most obnoxious kids
I took my kids to the pool for the first time this season.
I figured they’d wear themselves out in an hour.
Instead, we’re on hour three, and they’re still going strong, while I need a nap.
Maybe they can carry me home.
My husband is putting the clean dishes away from the dishwasher so I need to leave the house to avoid damage to my eardrums