“I’m not a prude BUT” – you’re a prude
“I hate the drama BUT” – you love the drama
“I’m not sure what you mean BUT” – you know damn well what I mean
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Me (young, foolish): refrigerator may I have a few ice cubes?
Refrigerator (old, wise): one or one-thousand, there is no few
I tried to twerk and have spent most of the afternoon stuffing my waistline back into my shorts.
Let’s be thankful Gwyneth Paltrow isn’t making masks.
I hate when you go to church and another guy is wearing the same goat mask.
A confidential source has informed me that the earth is gonna hatch
I dropped my iPhone under the bed once so I get it, moms that lift cars off their babies, I get it.
I think this was a scene from “The Birds”
“What do you do for a living?”
“I read. I travel. I love. I laugh.”
“No. How do you earn your bread?”
“Oh I work. But that’s not living.”
I guess writing “To Whom It May Concern” on the note of apology isn’t the wisest idea when your wife accuses you of being cold and impersonal.
Don’t let anyone tell you who you are unless you’re concussed and confused and genuinely need to know.
Somehow, I must have switched shopping carts while I was at the store. I don’t remember buying any of this stuff.
Or having an Asian baby.
I was a teenager when “Go to your room” was a punishment and not the same as saying “Go to your arcade/shopping mall/video chat room/infinite music and video library/recording booth/photo studio.”
Air Bud but from the perspective of a kid on the losing team that has to explain to his overbearing father he lost to a dog.
Facebook friend: If you can’t handle me at my worst, then you-
SHUT UP, SHANNON. YOU’RE *ALWAYS* AT YOUR WORST.
I don’t care what bathroom you identify with. If you look under the stall you’re going to need a dentist.
Jerry Lock
@jlock17
My grandson is just learning to talk and is going to be a train engineer for Halloween, so I’m working hard on teaching him to say “Kiss my caboose” before his mom picks him up.
[person having normal conversation with me]
Brain: that reminds me of a song, you should sing as a response
Cop: He’s getting away! Quickly, cut him off!
Criminal: Get outta my—
Rookie: STOP TALKING
I haven’t waited this long for a result since I asked my wife to marry me.
I want to open a donut shop called Hole Foods.
There are 400 billion birds in the world, 250,000 planes, but only one Superman.
So, in answer to your question… It’s probably a bird.
Teach a man to fish and you feed him for a lifetime; teach a man to catfish and he can trick some perv in Omaha into sending him rent money.
How dare you let common sense get in the way of my dreams. If I want to be a kangaroo astronaut who day drinks just let me be.
I got a text from an unknown number that said “Game on.”
It’s either a wrong number, or someone wants to wear my skin like a suit.
“This is from the both of us”
– my parents giving me mental illness
two guys fighting over oars are just having a row it took me 3 hours to write this crap send tweet
If god didn’t like sex, He wouldn’t make us scream His name when it’s really hot.
[Wendy’s Job Interview]
INTERVIEWER: Ok let’s role play. You’re working the drive through and I’m a customer ordering.
ME: Sir please get back in your car.
INTERVIEWER: {under breath} Brilliant.
I’ve always had a soft spot in my heart for female T-Rex because the tampon insertion must’ve been really difficult.
I can’t find anything in my job description about being awake