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My kids are fighting about who the cat likes more. We don’t even have a cat
“Don’t sit down and wait for the opportunities to come. Get up and make them.”
*sandwiches
aragorn: you have my sword
legolas: and my bow
gimli: and my axe
WHO: omg please stop sharing your stuff
You think you’re your own worst critic? Just wait till you have kids
The “decorative soaps” in my bathroom are glazed donut holes.
me: I really can’t stay
him: but, baby it’s-
me: *tail lights*
Stop talking trash about marine life!
Sharks are POWERFUL
Whales are GENTLE
Crabs are RESOURCEFUL
Jellyfish are PEACEFUL
Dolphins
Octopi are VERY SMART
Just heard Justin Bieber vowed not to return to the UK after his disastrous tour here.
Well done the UK. Well done.
Your call will be answered in the order in which we draw names from a hat.
bird 1: uh oh
bird 2: don’t worry he only has one stone
I wonder if the username “That Cab” is free, cause a lot of people would want to follow “That Cab”
I’ve asked a few people now what IDGAF stands for and I can’t say anyone’s replies have been that helpful.
Taylor Swift: Hey babe, could you make dinner tonight?
Taylor Swift’s bf: Aw babe I’m really tired tonight
Taylor Swift: (making direct eye contact, slowly reaching for guitar)
Taylor Swift’s bf: I’ll go check the fridge
[first mma fight]
me: Pikachu I choose you!
Ref: this isn’t a Pokémon battle
me: *throws rat taped to a taser*
The c in scent is quiet today. Too quiet.
Dickens: It was the best of times, it was the worst of times
Schrödinger: Nice, nice
I’ve never wanted to know the answer to anything bad enough to ask a question at the end of a meeting that’s running 30 minutes over time.
*Password must be hard to guess*
New Password: H0neyWhatDoYouWantForDinner?
You know, if you keep a pie in each hand, you can’t accidentally touch your face.
“Excuse me, waiter? Can I get a doggy bag”
“Sorry ma’am, we only have Doge bags.”
Much leftovers
So pasta
Very taking home
Wow reheat at 350
Me: My neighbor who’s a doctor said it’s healthy to sleep nude
Friend: What type of dr?
Me: Optometrist I guess. He has lots of binoculars
[Burgler walking around our house] Have…have I been here already tonight?
I’m a go-getter. I’ve started my New Year’s resolutions now so I can have them broken by Jan 1st
[sees a woman eating pizza on the hiking trail]
Me: hi I think we were separated at birth
I just battle rapped my 4 year-old and rhymed “take a nap” with “piece of crap” so don’t tell me about your parenting skills.
[giant alien cracking open the earth like a hard boiled egg]
ugh, overcooked
It’s going to be really hot over the next couple of days so please remember to leave out a wee bowl of cider & blackcurrant incase a goth comes into your garden.
We’d have serious problems if Peter Jackson ever became president. He’d look at World Wars I and II and see them as an unfinished trilogy.
Tbh I don’t even wanna know what they did
Locksmith *testing new door* this will make you more secure
Me: Great, thank you![Midnight]
Me *phoning him as I worry if my friends like me* it hasn’t worked