Canadian: spell colour
American: no u spell color
Canadian: u
American: no u
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Hello 911?
“What’s your emergency?”
You work in a building?
“Yes”
Inside?
“Yes WHAT’S YOUR EM-”
So you’re saying 911’s an inside job?!
My new single, “New Single” is available now from my new album, “Available Now”, available now.
To ‘There’s a Hole in the Bucket’
I can’t access my network
Dear IT, Dear IT
I can’t access my network
Dear IT, accessThen check your email
Dear cheeky, dear cheeky
Then check your email
Dear cheeky, check itI can’t access my network
Dear IT, dear IT
(repeat endlessly)
I’m not saying I could stand to diet, I’m just saying I did a few jumping jacks and all the car alarms started going off in the neighborhood.
One of my 4 nephews just brought me wine and said, “Here’s your Christmas juice,” and now he’s the one I’m leaving everything to.
Considering “Thank You” cards are a thing, I’m going to invent “No, thank YOU!” cards and people will send them back and forth forever.
My 10 year old just told his friend I’m cranky cus I have my “pyramid”.
9 year-old attempts to follow a recipe:
“It says here to separate the eggs. How far apart do they have to be?”
A horse walks into a bar. The batman asks “why the long…” “wait a minute, did you see that typo?” interrupts the horse.
IT’S-A ME,
I once survived an entire 5th grade dodgeball game without getting tagged and I’ve been chasing that high ever since.
Brain: Walk up to her and offer her a drink.
Me: I WANT TO DRINK YOU LIKE A SIPPY CUP.
Brain: Can you actually hear me?
I learned the name of my neighbor’s dog today.
In other news, I now have free wifi.
The first charcuterie board was just improvisation by some dude who didn’t have enough snack bowls.
When I was kid the internet was called Encyclopedia Britannica
Husband: *struggling to get soap out of the bottle*
Me: you know you could refill it
Husband: nah if you leave it long enough it fills up on its own
Me: do you think I’m the soap fairy!!?
Husband: omg are you?
Me: I hate you
Pro Tip: when someone knocks on the door of bathroom you’re occupying, yell “CASH ONLY”
Chefs who can’t admit failure present:
Soft-boiled eggs
Steak tartare
Twice-baked potatoes
Sour cream
Calzones
Pineapple upside down cake
*Digging my own grave* sounds like a lot of exercise just to lie down.
No Teflon coated pan has ever been a match for my husband and his love of stirring with sharp utensils.
I’m no socialist but I do believe everyone is born with an inherent right to as many dipping sauces for their mcnuggets as they want.
parents nowadays: video games are too violent
parents from history times: c’mon kids, let’s go down to the colosseum to watch a murder!
People think getting married young is a bad idea.
I got married young and everything worked out.…not with her, obviously, but still.
I’m embarrassed to live in a world that’s allowed 9 fast and furious movies
*throws away a paper clip I haven’t used in 20 years*
[2 seconds later]
Shit I need a paper clip
Being an adult means I’m in charge of my own bedtime, and I’ve realized I’m not equipped to handle that responsibility.
700 people a year die falling down stairs that’s why my house only has slides
Thursday, 4:01pm
“Still there.”
“Yep.”
“Looks blue.”
“It certainly does.”
“Wet too.”
“Totally.”
“See you next week?”
“Count on it.”
Told a girl she’s more attractive when she’s not wearing glasses and she said I’m also more attractive when she’s not wearing glasses.
if anyone is picking on you, it’s really themselves they have a problem with, I promise