Maybe your grandma covered her furniture in plastic because she was a murderer. You don’t know for sure.
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I’ve seen your area rug, and you sir are not single.
*puts PLEASE SPEAK AS LOUDLY AS POSSIBLE WHEN ORDERING sign on drive-thru*
*watches people scream into the box*
That’ll teach them to get my order wrong.
[pretend restaurant]
4-year-old: what do you want ?
me: pizza
4: we don’t have pizza
me: what do you have?
4: nothing
me: I’ll have nothing
4: we don’t have that
me: *throws table* this is bullshit!
I couldn’t afford an Ancestry DNA kit, so I announced that I won the lottery. I soon found out who my relatives are.
Bing: It’s Dutch! This tweet is in Dutch! Let me translate it for you!
Me: no it isn’t, she just said “hahahaha”
Bing: come on give me a shot you won’t regret this
Me: fine i’ll click it
Bing (instantly): Could Not Translate
Breaking news:
#titanic
No, I don’t think I’m a vampire. I just bite people that I think look delicious. That’s a totally normal human thing to do.
“uh… dare.”
-Pinocchio
I’ve got 2 brilliant plans to help me retire early. Plan A is to win the lottery tonight & if that fails plan B is to win the lottery tomorrow. Should be a piece of piss.
GIRLFRIEND: So tell me something I don’t already know about you.
ME: During October I call my Dyson ‘Count Vacula’
HER: I need to see other people.
BUY SUMMER CLOTHES. CRASH YOUR PLANE IN THE ANDES. EAT SUMMER CLOTHES.
Revenge is a dish best served cold. Unless revenge is a meatloaf. That you should heat in the oven for forty-five minutes at 350 degrees.
Thank you for the lovely invitation card, I will be using it to remove spiders from my house for the foreseeable future.
Annoys me when I’m typing my reply and someone starts typing like you see those 3 bubbles and I’m just like no excuse me wait your turn thanks
Parenthood is mostly reminding the kids “no eating on the couch” while you’re eating on the couch & agreeing with them that life isn’t fair.
Women’s time is different. My brother and I are still waiting for my mom to come out of the grocery store when she said it would be 30 minutes. That was 1986
Saw a long chin hair and tried to pluck it with my nails but instead, curled it like a ribbon
“What are these markings on the map?”
“They’re hill areas”
“Yeah they’re very funny, but what do they mean?”
DOCTOR: Yes, stripping to the waist is necessary for this check-up
ME: uh ok. Should I do it too?
DOCTOR [flexing biceps] yeah if you want
50 Shades of Grey is my favorite movie about a dog trying to read a map of the United States.
I knew my ex gf was going to dump me so i set up a profile called “Add Profile” on her Netflix account and 3 yrs later i’m still watching
The way my kids use toothpaste they’ll never have a cavity in their bathroom sink
Thank God for that one person who gets on the elevator and takes charge.
*15th century*
Shaggy: ‘Twas not I
babe what’s wrong you’ve barely touched any of your triceramisu
If you’re riding a bike in New York City it means you care about your health …. Riding one here in Tennessee it means you got a DUI.
Stop fussing over whether the glass is half full or half empty and just marvel at the fact that I managed to produce that much discharge.
my kid is in her bed kicking her wall in morse code.
nope, scratch that. It’s either Wheels on the Bus or Bohemian Rhapsody, but I’m gonna tell her either way to go ahead and skip to the end
Every Coronavirus post on Facebook should just start with, “First off, I have no idea what i’m talking about.”