My 5yo niece when I win the game she just made up
You Might Also Like
6: My favorite kind of melon is Watermelon. What’s your favorite kind of melon?
11: Post Melon
6:
The first few seconds of a tiger attack are when it’s critical to make the “pspspspsppsp” noise
Me: My name is Helen and I think I may be an alcoholic
Insurance Agent: Lady this is AAA, not AA
Me: Oh I know. I’m just telling you the story of how my car ended up in a tree
Jingling your keys in front of a crying baby is a great way to distract them while you steal their wallet
“First you bug me to go out, and now you want to come right back in? You’ve been out there for like thirty seconds. Did you at least pee? Tell me you at least peed.”
I’m still rubbish at Venn diagrams. I really don’t get them. :/
Him: “Are you single?”
Me: *flashes back to that time Wil Wheaton RTd me and left me at the top of his TL all night*
“It’s complicated…”
Remember when we thought it would be fun to grow up and have jobs? LOL
“My wife keeps mistaking me for Alice in Wonderland characters.”
“Are you mad at her?”
“Oh god, not you too”.
I don’t talk about my ex’s because I like to start of with a clean slate. That, and they’re dead to me. Well, to everyone, but mostly me.
it’s called boxing because smash mouth was taken
I discovered my 91-year-old Dad wearing blue surgical gloves while he ate.
Me: Uh, Dad, what are you doing?
Dad: Chicken wings are so slippery everyone should wear gloves.
Super Hand Dog Face
Best headline I’ve seen in so very long…
Officer, I swear there is a simple explanation..
~me standing in the street with no pants, one sock and a turkey baster in my hand
In high school I wrote my crush a love note and signed it messy like a doctor, she loved it but thought it was my friend’s name.
Thanks to me they’ve been married for 17 years.
english teacher: *yelling* I am APPALLED
me:
me: ok
me: what is a pald
ME: Behold! I’ve invented the ultimate truth serum!
WIFE: I never loved you
ME: Wait, no, you’re supposed to drink it first
“23 and Me” is how Leonardo DiCaprio RSVPs for events.
A shake for breakfast. A shake for lunch. A sensible dinner. SEVENTY FIVE COOKIES AT 12:34AM
[phone call]
me: son, your mother’s in hospitalson: is it because she works there as a doctor?
me: *long pause* yes
son: stop doing this
Damn boy! What’s your zodiac sign? Bc I think we should make that Sagittariuu into SagittariUS
Oh you’re a Leo? Le OH ..where are you going?
Do you think the earth is flat? Blink once for no, have a lobotomy for yes.
2-year-old: *points to my belly* Baby!
Me: Yep, there’s a baby in there! Will you love it?
2: I eat it.
Well that escalated quickly.
Wife: Have you seen my stilettos?
Me [6 inches taller and struggling to stand]: Uh *stumble* No
[during sex]
her: hurt me
me: there’s only one season of firefly
Thanksgiving and Christmas should be six months apart. Absurd to see those people again so soon. Insane.
Me: I’m here to collect my pre-demon.
Lady: Sir, at this animal shelter, we call them kittens.
if someone asks you about yourself say “OK, sit down, this is going to be a really long story” then just wander off
coworker: you should try my therapist.
me: i’ve seen their work. no thanks.