Bake a book inside a cake and help a convict escape into his or her imagination.
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I was a pacifist until the goddamn rabbits ate my lilies
My husband listens to me like he doesn’t realize there’s going to be a quiz later.
You know, you don’t have to buy a tiger to dispose of a body. Pigs will eat people too, bones and all.
Cleavage is the original Jedi Mind Trick.
Date: You haven’t dated in awhile?
Me: [Wearing Hulk Hands struggling with a burrito] Why do you say that?
I think I just went to third base with a jelly doughnut.
I just innocently told my wife that for the past 8 years I’ve thought it was okay to put bobbles and hair pins in the bin if they’re just left lying around.
Holy shit. What a moment.
Her: What’s with the dozen donuts?
Me: They’re for my meeting at work.
Her: Isn’t it a zoom meeting?
Me: And?
Oh panic attacks,I thought you said pancake attacks because I have those all the time.
*seductively winces due to lower back pain
[creation of walrus]
god: make it just, i dunno, a tub of lard
angel: sorry, come again?
god: a waddling lard pile, and give it whiskers
angel: dude what
god: toss some fangs on it, like a big doofus dracula
angel: remember when you flooded the entire planet? this is worse
I love how my car’s check engine light turns off. Of course this means the engine has healed on its own.
Me: *sees someone coming down hallway*
Them: Aimee! Hey!
Me: *turns and presses face against wall*
Them: Aimee?
Me: *closes eyes*
wife: What’s the best moment of your life?
me: That time I won a stuffed dino-
wife: That didn’t involve a dinosaur
me: Our wedding
What do we want?
A CURE FOR PARANOIA
When do we want it?
WHO WANTS TO KNOW
Instead of looking for things that divide you look for things that bring you together, like the way you all look for things that divide you.
Her: Is my new concealer working?
Me: Who said that?
This is joyous. Go to any YouTube video. Pause it. Click anywhere outside the video and then type 1980. Now defend yourself.
An opossum is just a regular possum that reenacts the diner scene from When Harry Met Sally.
Women’s voices naturally get higher as they get excited so if you’re in bed and she still sounds like Morgan Freeman, try harder.
date: you look nice
me: well you look very [peeks at thesaurus under the table]…ornate
SOCIETY: if it’s sent by car let’s call it a shipment
ME: what if it’s sent by ship?
SOCIETY: we’ll call that cargo
I’ve developed a rash from my wedding ring, which can only mean my body is rejecting marriage.
😂😂😂😁😁🤣🤣
Her: Baby, do that thing that makes me hot
Me: *kisses her neck*
H: *slaps me* I MEANT turn the thermostat up dummy, it’s freezing in here
Dang you got a good deal on your tattoo and the squirrel’s so realistic. What? A portrait of your Mom? Dude I wish my Mom was a squirrel.
HERE’S A KID WITH NO ARMS AND NO LEGS AND HIS PARENTS ARE DEAD AND YOU’LL DIE SOON TOO, BUY THINGS.
– Super Bowl Commercials in a nut shell
[Joining a gang]
me: so who do I stab for initiation?
members: again, this is a book club
Girl, are you any art project I made as a child? Because you don’t look great and my mom is having difficulty pretending to like you.
dog 911: what’s ur emergency?
dog: I JUST ATE CHOCOLATE
dog 911: OMG WAS IT GOOD?
dog: [whimpering]
dog 911: ok ok. go eat some grass