When we go back to in-person office meetings, I’m going to start out by soundlessly moving my lips until people yell at me, just for continuity.
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Me: I had a dream we went shopping at Target.
Husband: How much did we spend?
Me:
Husband: HOW MUCH DID WE SPEND?!
WIFE: Stop spending all our money
ME: Okay, fine
[later]
WIFE: *visibly angry* WTF?
ME: *zooming by on a new Segway* RELAX KAREN, I STOLE IT
I like to think the automatic soap dispenser is just really happy to see me.
I think the reason giraffes don’t ride in hot air balloons is that their faces would probably get fried off in that flame thing.
This week’s mood.
William Shakespeare never hugged or cuddled. Lovers called him the “No Holds Bard”.
2/22/22 was created by Big 2 to sell more 2s.
A few days ago, the girls down the street knocked on our door and asked “is Nerys in?”, so I called her and she came out to see them. For the first time in my life I felt like a real dad.
Nerys is a dachshund.
If by “interests” you mean vices, then sure, I have several outside interests.
[jazz club]
date: I love the sound of double bass
me: [sexily] bass bass
How dare you with another bird…😏😂🦜
CW: What’s your middle name?
Me: It’s Mike.
CW: Oh. Well, what is your first name?
Me: I don’t have one.
can u believe that 6 months ago we just let random people breathe on us
me: hm what could I add to this bath to relax and forget everything?
my brain: a hairdryer.
Wanna feel old? This is Calvin and Hobbes now
My kids would not be sitting on this couch laughing if they knew what me and their dad did on it last night. They are gonna cry when they find out we ate all the ice cream.
Me: Waiter, there’s a fly in my primordial soup.
Waiter: Sorry, sir. I’ll ask him to evolve into something more pleasant.
Me: Where’s the remote?
Toddler: I didn’t eat it!
Searching for stuff on the internet when you’re drunk is called Beer Googles.
Me: Come to my party. I’m making my “secret special punch.”
Her: You mean vodka & food coloring?
Me: Who told you my secret?!?
I always feel better when my doctor says something is normal for my age but then think dying will also be normal for my age at some point.
Not to brag but I just filled up the gas tank and doubled the value of my car
I take my phone with me when I go down into the basement, so if I fall and can’t get up I’ll still be able to tweet.
I almost just turned down a beer.
Calm down, I said almost.
[hitchhikes]
[arrives safely and not murdered]This is bullshit.
“did I catch you at a bad time?”
– yeah, I’m awake and I’m sober
carrying too many items]
store clerk: would you like a basket
me: no thanks my arms are full.