If diet and exercise are not working for you, try actually dieting and actually exercising.
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Hey, people “liking” Walmart on Facebook – you OK?
Cop: [knocks]
Dinosaur: can I help you?
Cop: we’ve had reports of small arms fire
[Flaming T-Rex runs past screaming]
imagine telling yo girl a joke and i start laughing under the bed
Bartender – Would you like to try our pumpkin beer?
Me – Can I have a different bartender please?
I will punch you in the face.
OK not really – but I will roll my eyes at you, hard.
Laundry Day
Me: Tell me about this lipstick on your shirt.
Him: Babe, I can explain!
Me: Don’t care. Just ask her the brand and shade name.
*wife walks in*
*sees cheese balls everywhere*
*shakes head*“what? 8 won’t get better at catching food in his mouth if we don’t practice”
Either I just saw a bat in the garden or the mice are using hand-gliders to avoid our cat.
I enjoy long walks in the woods, but only because there’s a chance I’ll get eaten by a bear.
Me: *drinks tea*
Villain: haha! I have poisoned your drink!
Me: *starts drinking faster*
Cat 911: what’s your emergency
Cat: my human is bleeding to death!
911: stay calm. what happened
Cat: she tried to pet my stomach so i bit her
911:
Cat:
911: hahahaha
Cat: hahahaHA
Cat Paramedics: *arriving on scene* HAHAHAHA
I thought that I heard you laughing.
I thought that I heard you sing.
I think I thought I saw you try to parallel park for twenty minutes.
[Beautiful songbirds begin to dress me]
Me: I don’t want to wear that shirt today
Songbirds: We don’t care
I always carry a red Sharpie on me in case I have to draw blood.
God I hate condescending assholes!
(Condescending is like when smart people talk down to you to try and make you feel stupid)
teach a man to fish and he’ll turn around and try to teach you to fish like he invented it and you’re an idiot
Congrats on your beautiful newborn, one day you will look under her bed and know why you have ants.
girlfriend: I’m sick of you having no sense of direction
me: where did that come from
Born on February 29th of a leap year, I can’t legally drink till I’m 84.
Papa don’t preach
I’m in trouble deep
Papa don’t preach
I’ve been losing sleep
But I made up my mind
I’m keeping my baby velociraptor
I feel like I should give my air conditioner a plaque for employee of the month.
Teens running from a party after the cops get called invented parkour
Yes indeed, I am a morning person. Morning naps are my favorite
They say you don’t get a second chance to make a first impression.
I say “then what is this memory eraser gun for?!”
I’ve eaten so much Easter candy..that at this point I’m positive i’m ovulating Reese’s eggs.
Who called it a licence to own small amphibians and not Permit the Frog.
6 year old: Daddy, what if the plane goes down? Me: Don’t worry, your mom is with us. She never goes down. 6 year old: What? Me: Want candy?
7am: *starts diet*
7pm: *eats the house*
They call me The Cat because of my hunting skills, my lightning fast reflexes, and because I run into the basement when I see the vacuum cleaner.