Gen Z: I hate my boss
Millennial: me too but instead of posting it on social media I slowly let the air out of his tires like a well adjusted grown up
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Told my mother that I have a problem with self-loathing. She said at least I’m a good judge of character.
My little dog: *knocks garbage can over in kitchen, walks by me with pizza crust hanging out of his mouth like a cigar*
Person: so, how are we today?
Me: well, I dunno about you, but I’m fine, thanks
A warning to all – be careful about drink driving as the police are out checking on people. Last night I was out for a few drinks and one thing led to another and I had a few too many, not a good idea & knowing I was over the limit, I decided to leave the car at the pub and took a bus home, I passed the police check point, where they were pulling over drivers and performing breath tests, because I was on a bus they just waved it past. I arrived home safely and no accidents, which was a real surprise because I have never driven a bus before…
[Teaching pet elephant to wash the car]
ok Stompy fill your nose with water and spray it
*elephant crushes car*
why did I name you Stompy
The best books are the ones that no matter how many times you burn them or bury them in the woods, they always wind up next to your bed.
Irony is Westboro Baptist Church protesters writing “God Hates Fags” on rainbow colored signs.
Imagine being a licensed therapist scrolling Twitter just basking in the never ending job security
I think when calories reach a certain point snack companies should be allowed to say “You don’t want to know” on the nutrition label.
(first date)
Her: I work in a science lab.
Me: (trying to impress) I donated my brain for research.
*wakes up in the belly of a whale*
me: this can’t be happening again
morgan freeman: but it was, he was in the belly of a whale again
My upstairs neighbor/friend passed away last week. We’d exchange hilarious barbs with every encounter.
His daughter just came to the door.Her: “My Dad really loved you. He left you this to help you with transportation, Ms. Caramel.”
It was a broom! 😂🤣
Naughty at 40 is a hoax
Welcome to age of joint pains and loads of stress
vegetarian: i’m a vegetarian
every mother-in-law: so do you eat fish
My kid fell asleep in the car holding his half-eaten donut, so I did the responsible thing and finished it for him
Troubleshooting steps when your car won’t start in the morning:
1. Call in sick
2. Go back to bed
Ben Carson is my favorite candidate whose name sounds like a Transformer explaining to his kid why he hasn’t seen him much lately
*[At the dinner table]*
“No grandma, those aren’t knitting needles. We’re having Chinese food”
I like that all the Ikea instructions illustrations always assume I have a friend.
Doctor: I’m sorry but you’re not healthy enough for sex
Me: Hey man I have not been your patient for 3 years can you please stop calling me
Look, I’m just saying it might be financially viable to use rice cakes instead of spray foam insulation
<first date>
Him: *wipes mouth and tosses napkin on unfinished plate*
Me: *seductively slides napkin to the side and finishes his meal*
girl at restaurant: “Are you Tony Hawk?” me: “Yes.” her: “Why?” I had no idea how to answer.
uh oh
Guinea pigs aren’t real pets. You buy them when your kids are begging for a dog, but you want to make them sad instead.
boss: why did you cross out “world” on my “world’s best boss” mug
me: have you met every boss in the world
boss: no bu—
me: just seems like a lofty claim
boss: {gesturing at my “universe’s awesomest employee” shirt}
me:
boss:
me: this one’s true tho
Good morning to everyone, especially those who don’t need to turn every tweet into a sexual innuendo, I know it’s hard, very hard.
I had a big wedding and I’ve birthed three children so there are a lot of fond memories. The two I cherish most are the day I got my iPhone and the day the new liquor store opened up on the corner.
Soon a hero will rise. Then he will fall again. Then he will rise and also fall. Wait. The hero is on a trampoline.