Why is there an eject button on the DVD remote? You still have to get up & take the disc out. It’s like having a remote to open the fridge.
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Thank you to whoever has been keeping Keanu Reeves busy with a laser pointer for the last 10 years.
scientist: the universe is 14 billion yrs old
me: i believe it
waiter: this plate is hot
me: yeah right *touches it*
maybe if millennials didn’t buy an avocado toast every single day, then they could afford to purchase a house in 1955 like everyone else.
Here me out, Jurassic Barbie.
Told my husband that I was the prettiest girl in Walmart today and he replied “No offense sweetie, but I’ve been the prettiest girl at Walmart”
I was playing pirates with my 4yo and it was so cute when he found the treasure. I almost felt bad taking it from him, but I did what I had to do. Because pirates.
George Washington died in 1799. The first Dinosaur fossil was discovered in 1824. George Washington never even knew Jurassic Park existed.
Unless you’re going to tell me there’s a sniper target on me, I can wait for you to finish chewing to hear what you have to say. Thanks.
Welcome to middle age.
Don’t bother looking at the weather forecast; your joints will let you know when it’s going to rain.
[space]
MARS: March was named after me
PLUTO: So, Mickey Mouse’s dog was named after me
MARS: …
PLUTO: …
MARS: I’m a planet
PLUTO: Sonuvabi—
My DNA came back saying I come from a wide selection of cheeses.
30% of the world’s coal production is used by Santa to insult our shittiest children
When I’m at the supermarket and knock on a watermelon, I honestly do not know what I am listening for
I went to confession and the priest said, “pics or it didn’t happen.”
tag: “dry clean only”
me: single-use garment? what a waste
*from his room
8: Hey, nothing went terribly wrong!
8’s friend: No, nothing happened!
8’s other friend: There’s just a little blood!
[wife holding box of mac & cheese] the powder packet is missing, weird
[me holding large glass of what looks like orange milk] that is weird
The best misheard song lyric ever is “Hit me with your pet shark”.
I will hear no other opinions on this matter.
Chess in Australia must be hard.
“Check, mate”
“Checkmate?”
“What?”
“Huh?”
[describing criminal to sketch artist] He had the damp chest of a man with an excessive lisp. He was eating a newspaper.
This is not how I wanted to learn the Greek alphabet
I refuse to eat the food I just begged for.
-Kids
BOSS: Can we meet in 20 minutes?
ME: Can it wait until tomorrow?
BOSS: Sure. Busy day?
ME: (pauses video of a dog playing in crunchy leaves) Yes.
Sticks and stones may break my bones
but words can SUMMON DEMONS
ME: The irony is it’d be harder to identify the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles if they didn’t wear masks
MAN AT URINAL: I didn’t say anything
“Excuse the mess; we had guests,” I graciously explain, leaving out the “five months ago” part.
Once these Teslas learn how to plug themselves in they won’t need any of you anymore
Hey bro, nowhere on your cologne bottle does it say “marinate in”
Anti-Hero if Taylor Swift was in a SKA BAND @Skatunenetwork