I would describe my conference call personality as “also there”
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good prank: sneak into someone’s house every night over a year and replace thier toilet with a slightly larger one until it fills tthe room
[planning heist]
Me: We’ll need the element of surprise.
Neil deGrasse Tyson: [appears] Actually, such an element does not exist. Hi, I’m Ne
fire doesn’t get enough credit for being so welcoming. it’s always like “hey you wanna come be fire too?”
My neighbor gave me $50 to get my squeaking door fixed because he couldn’t stand it anymore… and so begins my life as a sugar baby
Me: I need one of those thingamajigs.
Receptionist: What?
Me: You know a doohickey.
Receptionist: This is a—
Me: *snaps fingers* Ah! a triple bypass heart surgery.
9 year-old attempts to follow a recipe:
“It says here to separate the eggs. How far apart do they have to be?”
Just spent 15 minutes on my knees.
Now, the bathtub is spotless.
Wife: [Came back from hair salon] Are you not going to compliment me on my hair?
Me: So sorry! It’s a very nice cut! Good length on you.
Wife: I got highlights. Jack*ss.
me *watches toddler push wife’s work papers off the coffee table*
wife *walks in* Who did this?
me: Your stupid cat
Ok, but like, how married are you?
Invention of the hug:
“You look sad. Let me choke your whole body”
Monday is a legitimate excuse for biting someone.
A haunted house for introverts that is just random people popping out and asking questions.
[dog wedding]
[Bride throws bouquet into crowd]
[Groom catches it, gives it back to Bride]
[Bride throws bouquet again]
[Groom catches..
She’s dating the both of us bro. You’re my boyfriend-in-law.
~every 18 year old.
An unexpected perk of having pets is when the cat throws up on the couch; the dog jumps in to handle the cleanup.
7: Golf is not fun to watch
ME: It is, if you understand the nuances and the context
7: What are nuances and context
Me: Details. Like the scoreboard, the decisions they make
7: They hit a ball, and it goes in–or not
Me:
7: Usually not
Me:
7: They aren’t even good at it.
[cocktail party]
Me: [swirls brandy]
Brandy: PUT ME DOWN
No parenting book or blog or sage advice warned me of having two kids in a car Rickrolling me by singing “Never gonna pick you up, never gonna drop you off” over and over on every school run
A Spartan boy was ripped from his mother at seven and subjected to daily beatings
My mother calls at 40+ to make sure that I’m still eating
I just got a headache from bending down but yeah, age is just a number.
I’m going to clean *the house
*my glasses
I’ve had worse
WIFE: Please stop.
ME: Stop what?
WIFE: Singing in the shower.
ME: What’s the big deal?
WIFE: You’re scaring everyone at Home Depot.
*personally visits the 7 friends who continually trap me in a rather chatty text message group & punches each of them in the face*
I feel like things started going downhill when phones stopped being born with umbilical cords.
[taking a hearing test]
DR: Ok, now tell me what you heard
ME: I heard your wife cheats on you with the neighbor while you’re at work
DR: [tears forming] I meant what beeps and tones
A watch that gives my dentist a little shock every time I floss.
Never judge a book by its cover…
Take it to dinner and see how it treats the waitstaff, then judge it.