I’ve just had to let my trousers out.
They wanted to go for a walk and I couldn’t be bothered.
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You guys are all saying that it’s a parody account that tweeted that she was offended when a guy opened a door for her but the same thing happened with me. I too held open a door for a lady she yelled at me and told me to get out of the ladies bathroom.
[loud bar]
Her: I have to urinate
Me: What?
H: Urinate
M: What?
H: URINATE!
M: Well, YOU’RE a 10!
H: Huh? No! You’re like a 5. I gotta pee.
[god making pugs]
What if a football had asthma?
[Dog Restaurant]
“Is the Book Report any good?”
Yes, Sir.
“How’s it prepared?”
A 9yo stayed up till 3am to finish it.
“Ooh, I’ll have that.”
Great now my sugar daddy just left for smokes
After my ex and I broke up, I was in a really bad place (Florida)
If you see me in Atlanta this weekend, at a Taylor Swift concert, that’s not me.
Sometimes I spend so much time on Twitter in the bathroom that I actually pee twice.
To anyone who will be spending their Valentines Day with their hand, know that you are not alone. I will be there with you, watching.
me: there’s a fly in my soup
waiter: quite sorry, we’ll get you another at once
me: no, just the one is enough
I drove for the first time in a long time without the music on……I don’t think cars are supposed to make the sounds I’m hearing.
Hot neighbor (limping): I slipped and fell on my bedroom floor this morning
Me: Haha, I saw that
Her: What?
Me: What?
Marriage is about understanding what irritates your spouse and using it strategically.
Just watched a guy smell his debit card….I have some questions.
Me: a pessimist sees the glass half empty; an optimist see the glass half full.
Wife: [returning from the restroom] why is half my mimosa gone?
Me: because you’re a pessimist.
YouTube is a dangerous place for kids. There’s a lot of filthy stuff they could stumble upon like videos on how to make slime
<job interview>
It says here on your resume that you are a “self-proclaimed man of few words.” Would you like to elaborate on that?Me: no
I run up to the firefighter as he drags another charred body out of my burning home. “Did you see a zip disk labeled POEMS in there?”
me: do you have coke
cat waiter: is pspspsps ok?
If you don’t have at least 1 white friend named “Matt”, then you are Matt.
[gynecologist making small talk during an exam]
DOCTOR: So you’re in the military?
HER: Yes
DOCTOR: Well thank you for your cervix
My four year old has informed me that he doesn’t want us to get a lion. Not because they’re deadly predators, but because he’s allergic to cats and thinks a lion would make him sneeze too much. I’m just glad we discussed it before I went shopping.
You can’t boss me around. You’re not my bladder.
my biggest flaw is saying “don’t worry i’m gucci” when in fact i am t.j maxx
Optimistic Thought of the Day: You are always 1/3 of the way towards having a threesome.
[ cookout ]
Me: OMG this ketchup is amazing!
Host: yea yea we all know you brought the ketchup
Haven’t tweeted much the last couple days. Trouble at home. Marital trouble. We’ve always been a team, worked through things well together but now we’ve hit an impasse that I’m not sure how we can work out.
She’s gotten sick of pizza.
At the first signs of a sore throat you should be given the option of just skipping 4 days into the future
*in confessional*
well, i guess my biggest fear in life is getting myself into a situation where i have to fight a small monkey in front of a crowd of gamblers
Be the reason why your local woods are haunted.