Bear mace is like regular mace but you have to buy it at the maul…
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I put my pants on just the same as everyone else…
With one hand, so I don’t have to sit my phone down.
My college career succinctly summed up in a meme.
I see a cute girl on the bus. I unzip my hoodie to reveal a t-shirt that says, “I love holy matrimony”. She pats on the open seat beside her.
Damn girl are you a bra because ur very supportive but I can’t figure out how to get you off
I want a girl with a short skirt and a loooooooooooooooooooong COVID
I was thinking about going jogging and after I stopped laughing I made a sandwich.
date: do you like reading?
me: *holding menu upside down* is it spicy?
I don’t think I cadaver study a dead body
CHASE: Hi we are calling to check for fraud you spent $40 at 7/11
ME: Yea
CHASE: Then you went to Taco Bell at 3am
ME: Are these questions
If your idea of an “Epic” deal is $5 off then we may have different interpretations of that word, Pottery Barn.
*Whispers in random chicks ear
“I have pizza in the van”
mobster: *choking me with garrote*
me: ok NOW I’m wearing a wire lol
Put those painful memories somewhere the mind can’t see them.
Alcohol: *ears perk up*
Whoever can shoo the lizard out is the alpha in your house
Me with a pronounced limp: *walks awkwardly
Me with a mispronounced limp: “Blimp.”
Age 10: I want to be a baseball player
Age 20: I want to be a writer
Age 30: I want to be happy
Now: I want to disappear in a corn maze
That hurricane will bounce as soon as it hits LA because it can’t afford the rent.
KIDNAPPER: get in the trunk
ME: but this tree is so tiny
“I get knocked down, but I get up again
You’re never gonna keep me down”~Bowling pins
I got out of bed this morning and decided it was time to turn it around. So, I did a 180 and went back to bed.
GARDEN STORE MANAGER:
why did you just give that customer a high fiveME: he bought some dirt
GARDEN STORE MANAGER: um ok
ME: and I told him congrats on soiling himself
There’s a Hanna-Barbera Godzilla coloring book filled with awful jokes. But if you rearrange some pages, a tragic story unfolds
you do not exist just to pay bills and die, you must also act insane on the internet
[courtroom]
JUDGE: “In the case of the State vs Waldo, Jury- how do you find the defendant?”
LEAD JUROR: “…we uh…haven’t yet”
Hey girl, are you the barbed wire fence surrounding Meryl Streep’s house? Cause I just can’t seem to get over you
I wanted a 6 pack, so I started Hip Hop abs.
Quit 1/3 of the way through.
Ended up with a 2Pac.
I asked my 9 yr old a question 27 min ago.
She’s still answering it.
Gecko at McDonald’s crawl through:
I’ll have A Bug Mac, flies & a small snake.
Nobody tell my Fitbit that today’s steps are coming from inside the casino.
ME: *catches the bouquet* Yes! I’m next, losers! Haha!
SOME RELATIVE: This is a strange funeral reception.