It was the best of times, it was the worst of times, it was the even worster of times, it was the most worster-est ever of times.
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If I see another Laura on Twitter, I’m going to follow that person.
I’m not saying I’m creating an army of Lauras, but I’m also not *not* saying that.
Wife: Hey can you-
Me: Shhh. I’m in another stupid useless frigging Zoom meeting.
Boss: Okay just a reminder to put yourselves on mute.
Him: What are you doing?
Me: Rollin’ bones.
Him: I’ll roll your bones. *wraggles eyebrows*
Me:
Him: *winks*
Me: *does voodoo-y stuff*
Him: *turns into a hedgehog*
My mom bought me a bottle of whiskey as a Xmas gift…
She seemed a little upset that I said she should’ve mailed it ahead of her visit.
I always roll out of bed. Not even morning can trick me into doing a sit-up
Sorry, can’t. I looked away while my child was in the middle of an hour long run-on story and now he has to start all over.
Me: I’m feeling really good about my situation right now
The Universe: hold my beer
“Dad, what should I do if a strange man in a white van with no windows offers me candy?”
“Make sure you grab me a Snickers and a Reese’s cup.
Yard reviews
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Amazing milkshakes”⭐☆☆☆☆
“Too many boys”
[laying on top of me]
4: I love you mommy; you’re my couch.
As we debated who would win between Vader and Gandalf, we suddenly realized our dates had left
Someone just posted that they baked some synonym rolls. So I said, “Just like grammar used to make?”
Now I’m blocked 😅🤣😂
When my teacher used to say, use your inside voices I used to get confused, I always used my inside voices and they always got me in trouble.
10’s homework question: “Which appliance in your home do you think is the most useful?”
His answer: “My mom.”
We weren’t going to post a joke about mail, but sometimes you just gotta send it.
*limbos under the caution tape
[gas station]
me: fill her up
him: that’ll be $20
me: *taking the money* thanks
If she’s playing Wheel of Fortune, and has “_ONAL_ _UCK” left to win $8500, then she wants the D
Just saw a restaurant that was Japanese/Italian fusion and I can’t think of anything I want less than cheesy noodle sushi.
Romeo: *is added to DM room*
Juliet: *is taking a room break*
Romeo: *leaves room*
Juliet: *comes back from room break, sees Romeo isn’t there, leaves*
me: how much for the funny smelling spray?
employee: perfume?
me: no, the whole bottle
Me [hopping on twitter]: man there is some stupid shit on here
Also me: I wonder how I can contribute
This guy at work always looks down my blouse. So im going to put a piece of popcorn in there to see if he points it out.
My TC has found the love of her life. Her husband disagrees but her boyfriend is happy. I am so conflicted right now 😭
Whoever came up with *gobsmacked* should name all of our emotional responses.
Get yourself a man who talks constantly in his sleep. You don’t have to, but I did. Tonight he said “salad salad salad”, then he grabbed me, and continued to sleep.
I assume he meant I’m a delicious life-giving snack, but he may have been suggesting a diet.
my chupacabra don’t
my chupacabra don’t
my chupacabra don’t want none unless you got goats, hon
Dear Abby,
My pastor insists that being gay is wrong, yet he ends all his letters with the words “In Him”
Help!
Perplexed in Poughkeepsie
“It’s pronounced poor-shah, not por-shh.”
“Ok, got it doo-shah.”
If you hold your ear up to the seashell at my house, you can hear my wife yelling at me for peeing in the ocean.