me: [walks into a darkened room of people holding hands around a table] what are you guys doing
psychic: *whispers* seance
me: ance
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Our cat is an opera when she’s hungry
Guy: I hate my spouse.
Friend: You gotta end it.
Guy: I also hate myself.
Friend: You gotta en… learn to love yourself!
(Watching “Dateline” before kids)
“Why the hell would he fake his own death?”(Watching “Dateline” after kids)
*Takes notes*
*Googles: How to fake your own death and erase existence before 9am monday morning.
[party]
GUY: Let’s play a drinking game!
ME: Yahtzee!
GUY: That’s not a drinking game.
ME: Haha yeah right then what’s the cup for?
[everyone looks at each other]
ME: {holding stomach} What’s the cup for?
Somewhere in a parallel universe, I hope there’s a giant dog with a tiny woman in her purse.
I just had scrambled tofu with veggies because my kid makes me eat healthy and damnit why is this happening to me ? I’m a good person …
A walk in the woods helps me relax and release tension.
The fact that I’m dragging a body behind me should be irrelevant
I’m single and proud of it!
* Flips hair
* Trips over cat
Him: How ’bout this rain?
Me: It makes my asshole itchy.
And that, my friends, is why you don’t talk to strangers on elevators.
The Human Body Is 90% Water, So Basically We’re Just Cucumbers With Anxiety” – Science Person
Mom: What are you planning to make for Thanksgiving?
Me: A scene.
Me: I like your Prince tattoo.
“It’s my mother.”
Me: Your mother is Prince?
Whenever a long lost friend calls me, I get suspicious & wonder if he’s calling me to sell Amway products..
Tf Chris Rock thought Will was coming up there to do? Get Jiggy w/ it 😂😭😂😭
girl on bumble: hey 🙂 ur cute but I noticed you didn’t include your height
me: yeah no need to add too much info!
girl: ok but how tall are you?
me: *struggling to type as I climb into my high chair* i don’t see why this is important
Jimmy Bathwater, 27 of Howdon, pleaded guilty to roundhousing a seagull out the sky. He was fined £300 despite how impressive that sounds
Movie Law:
All computer hackers have to say “We’re in” when they get into “the system”
Forgot your password?
Hint: your cat’s name~ a crazy cat lady’s worst nightmare
“If all your friends jumped”
‘Yes’
“But if they”
‘Yes’
“But”
‘IF I EVER GET FRIENDS I’M GOING TO DO WHATEVER THEY WANT ME TO, OK MOM?
I never know at which syllable to stop when saying banananananana
You look like the kinda person who eats the DO NOT EAT silica packets
1,000 years after civilization falls alien archeologists will discover a single cell from the animating of sponge bob and assume that’s what life was like. So we have that going for us
the earth is not round nor flat. the earth is chicken tenders
Don’t get excited girls. That bulge in my pants is just emergency Oreos.
me: alexa what happens when we die
alexa: you get taken to the hospital for multiple stab wounds where you are pronounced dead and your wife is eventually found innocent of murder due to evidence tampering
me: wait what
alexa: what
Great minds think alike, but so do dipshits.
i wear a mask when i sleep, because who knows who’s going to come into an Arby’s bathroom this close to the highway
My daughter used to be afraid of the monster in her closet but like I told her, it’s the ones under your bed that you really need to worry about