Girl Scouts cookies went from $5 to $6 this year and I refuse to
ok I’ll buy 10 boxes
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she turns her curious eyes to the stars and asks them “it’s daytime. how can i see you right now?” the wise and beautiful stars respond “u are high as shit, my friend”
me:
Game of Thrones fan: man i just got out of a meeting that was a TOTAL Red Wedding. I thought heads were gonna roll like Ned Starks haha. Oh dont i owe you from lunch the other day? A Lannister always pays his debts! Anyway better bundle up out there, winter is coming LOL!!
You’re not going to believe this, but I was doing really well, and then your email found me.
Me: I want a never ending spoon of Ben and Jerry’s
Genie: done
Ben Affleck and Jerry Garcia: why are we hugging this guy
Me: shhh
Neighbour mowed his lawn at 6am… Logic dictates that I should get drunk in the backyard tonight and try to learn to play the didgeridoo.
HUSBAND: Do we have any cake toppers?
ME: Yes, it’s called frosting.
“We should get a bell so that when we need you we can just ring it” – my child, hiring me as his servant
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: Wow. Nobody’s ever asked me that.
Interviewer: Take a minute to th-
Me: Arendelle.
[slides $5 to paramedic]
Me: maybe it takes us too long to get to the hospital & maybe I don’t make it
I hate it when I go to clean my daughters room & I emerge 3 hours later having just finished a delightful tea party with a giraffe & a pony.
Me: *singing* They say music is the food of love
Her: I’m not hungry
Let’s agree that if we’re both not married in ten years we’ll sew our cats together to make one big SuperCat.
One time John Waters spilled water on me and my mom said “thank god his name isn’t John Barbecue Sauce!”
[Studying for his history test]
10: I wish I was born in the 1800s
Me: Why?
10: I’d have less history to learn
95% of American office workers are watching the World Cup right now.
Overall productivity level remains steady.
Meanwhile, at School:
Teacher- “How much is a gram?”
Laure- “Depends on what you want”
Teacher- “Out, just get out”
#YouOwnedHimDude
If bras are called over the shoulder boulder holders then panties should be named under the hip lip grippers.
Burglar: [smashes window]
Burglar: [comes into house]
Burglar: [steals electronics]
Burglar: [steals furniture]
Burglar: [steals jewelry]
Burglar: [ransacks bedrooms]
Burglar: [opens package of cheese]My dog [appearing from nowhere]: hey, what you got there?
In order to stop teeth grinding, it’s recommended you sleep with your jaw slightly ajar.
While you’re at it, you may as well lay out a welcome mat for spiders.
Cop: Are you drunk?
Me: um if I was drunk, could I do this?
*stands on one foot*
Cop: ok first of all, ow
“Daddy, tell me again about how you wasted time before Twitter existed?”
“Well son, we used to look at clouds & pretend they were animals.”
Them: they’re changing Spiderman’s footwear for the next film.
Me: Oh great, another reboot!
“This one’s cute.” – me picking out a watermelon.
I have no idea what I’m doing.
People will tell you daughters are less gross than sons.
My daughters started a snail zoo. There are snails everywhere.
What idiot called her a Hot Indian Girl and not a Bomb Bae
Him: I’m leaving you.
Me: [can’t hear him because I’m trying to breakdance in my bubble wrap suit]
You see some crazy stuff when you’re out late at night smearing raccoon blood on your neighbours windows.
Wile Coyote was the original online shopper and helped advance modern logistics and distribution.
[God creating burps]
Ok, that’s gross, can we make it come out the other end?
Angel: yes sir
O-M-G! Hahaha! Do it again! Hahahaha! Dead!