Me: *airbrushing a wolf howling at the moon among a starry night sky*
Detective: honestly just a chalk outline around the body is fine
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Thought I’d be trendy and try one of these ‘alternative milks’.
I don’t know what a magnesia is, but it made my Cocoa Puffs taste horrible…
I bet Santa has 3 lists now:
Naughty, nice, and people who’ve left him healthy snacks instead of cookies.
The Scarecrow didn’t have the brains, Tin Man didn’t have the heart, and the Lion didn’t have the courage. So Dorothy remained a virgin.
Daughter: what’s nostalgia?
Wife: it’s when you miss something that’s really old.
[later]
Me: I’m home from work!
Wife: aw we missed you!
Daughter: [whispers] nostalgia.
Back in the 90s, Target sold mini board game key chains, including a key chain Ouija board. These tiny things always made me laugh, just imagining an inch-high demon running around tormenting someone. Oh no, he’ll give you a hangnail! He’ll roll the peas right off your plate!
No one helped Cinderella when she hallucinated and talked to rats, cause people are garbage smh
So apparently if your iPhone tries to electrocute you, Apple support doesn’t know what to do except say “oh that’s a problem” and pass you up the support chain until you reach the person who feels comfortable putting you on hold for a year. It’s fine. I have all night. 🤯
God: You finish all 11 commandments?
Moses: About the 11th one…
God: What?
Moses: Check yourself before you wreck yourself?
God: Fine, 10.
My HOA says no parking on the street, so I flex on them by parallel parking at the end of my driveway.
I bet there is a Home Alone script where the parents purposely leave for the airport without any of the kids.
When I eat rotisserie chicken, I like to pretend that I’m performing an autopsy.
Preteen: mom whyyyyyy do I have to take a shower
Also preteen: *takes 45 minute shower*
ME: There’s no i in team but there is one in pizza
WIFE: so you’re not going to share
ME: I am not going to share
Not gonna elaborate, but I just found out the hard way that the phrase isn’t “self defecating humour”
Tried new pain medication, and an hour later 3 penguins in military fatigues walked into the room and told me I need to kill Mussolini’s cat
Him: Why do they call this five alarm chili anyway?
Her: You’ll find out tomorrow.
[next morning]
Him in the bathroom *screams*
Her yelling: That’s one!
Him *screams*
Her: That’s two!
[At Last Supper]
*Jesus raises bread*
This is my body
*raises wine*
& my blood
*pulls out 8 of Clubs*
& this is your card
*Apostles go nuts*
Blind guy: I love this half-sandwich restaurant.
Me: What do you mean? This place only serves whole-
Service dog: *puts a paw on my lips*
Nothing better than corn-flavored…corn.
*bolts upright in bed..
If there’s 24 hrs in a day how many hrs are in a night?!!?
me: i wish for good health, to be rich, and finally….for your freedom
therapist: once again i am not a genie but you being here is starting to make more sense
True friendship is when you walk into someone’s house, and your WiFi connects automatically..
If your best clothes proudly advertise Monster Energy Drink, you can’t be left alone with your best looking cousin.
A fake ice cream truck undercover surveillance company called ‘Inside Scoop’
The eyes are the windows to the soul. A moustache is the front garden, and the mouth is that big pothole the council should do something about
To the person crowding me in the checkout line, do you want a hug .. ’cause if you get any closer, I’m gonna assume you do and give you one.
Me: i have one pretty serious symptom
WebMD: that you know of
me: time to hit the hay
wife: you’re going to bed?
me: no i just really *clenches fists* hate hay
If anyone asks, I’m drinking all this wine to collect corks for a pinterest project.
I’m glad Pitbull always announces his name right away so I know when to turn the radio off.