roses are red,
what happened to “yeet”?
are we still dabbing?
heyooo send tweet.
You Might Also Like
I start each day with a green smoothie. Wait, no, the bartender’s saying it’s called a “Mojito.”
Literally nothing gives me more anxiety than when someone asks me what I like to do for fun.
Sorry I replied “yikes” to your selfie.
You can add “cha cha cha” to any sentence you want without explaining yourself. Nobody really appreciates this.
Me: My dog ran away two days ago
Dog pound: Does he have a tag?
Me [covers phone to ask wife]: Is the dog on Instagram?
There’s no training in the world as physically and mentally grueling as trying to give medicine to a toddler
Advertisers have been tracking exactly how much soup and noodles I’ve eaten over the last 20 years and are still somehow convinced that I can afford a Lexus.
Lambs: “BAAAAAAAAA!!!”
Hannibal Lecter: “Shhhhhh!”
Lambs: “Baaaa!”
Hannibal Lecter: “Shhhh…”
Lambs: “…”
Hannibal Lecter: “Much better.”
The day we decided such footwear would be called “flip-flops” was not our most creative moment.
Fun fact: The average Canadian swallows eight moose per year in their sleep.
My toddler taught himself how to pause and play shows on Netflix completely rendering me nonessential.
I only have one sex toy. 7 if you search my house and get creative.
10: Mom.
Me: What!! It’s late.
10: Beds are basically wireless chargers for humans.
*Someone sends me a 4 minute video*
me: [42 seconds later] wow that’s so awesome thanks for sharing!
“NO YOU’RE DRUNK,” she says playfully into the mirror, then promptly resumes disappointing her boyfriend’s mom at family dinner.
A couple of years ago, I convinced my son I don’t know how to clap. He’s been trying to teach me ever since. I’m hoping I can keep this going til I stand up and slow clap during his high school graduation
Remembering that period of time when everyone was hella into parkour, fell onto concrete once, and never tried again.
My dog plays tug of war in a ‘keep it, you want it more than me’ fashion.
Our guide called the bear tracks I found bike tracks. Laugh it up pal, but if these bears are on bikes we’re all going to die out here.
My roommate wants to have sex with me so bad. I don’t think he understands how marriage works.
Me: *doing a cute TikTok dance with my grandma*
Headline reads: ‘Two Old Ladies Do TikTok Dance’
[Jedi Training]
TRAINER: Any questions?
STUDENT: Can the Force be with me?
TRAINER: I don’t know…CAN it?
STUDENT: Oh right…May the Force
New slogan for cats: “Ever go to the zoo and want to snuggle a tiger but don’t want to die? Cats.”
Me: asks my oldest son to do anything at all
Him: plays dead
[At a restaurant]
*phone rings*
Ugh, these are way worse than onion rings.
what idiot decided to call it “the Iliad & the Odyssey” and not Troy Story and Troy Story 2
My toddler has lost the eyes from her Mr Potato head toy and I’m pretty sure it was on purpose so he can’t see how shit 2020 is
I have decided to switch to a spite-based diet
[Whole Foods]
Woman: MY COCONUT WATER BROKE!
*I drive her to the hospital and she names her first coconut after me*
Yelling “give me back my panties, you pervert” at joggers is a surprisingly effective way of encouraging them to run faster.