I cried when my dentist told me I needed two implants and a crown because I can finally realize my dream of being a sexy princess.
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What if life on Earth is just a video game for gods, and my guy has the crappy controller?
[hiding in pantry from murderer]
[quietly tries to open bag of chips]
phone sales rep: may I speak with the head of the household pls?
me: just a sec, he’s using the litter box
I like to put up Christmas decorations in stages. This is the stage where I sit on the couch with lasagna and stare at the boxes.
the children’s version of “The Catcher In The Rye” is called “My Little Phony”
I could never do time in prison – The handshakes are way too complicated.
BELLHOP: May I take care of your bags?
ME: Of course!
BELLHOP: [gently applies seven layers of concealer under my eyes]
said some terrible things about a coworker’s newborn when she called it a “week old baby” and I thought we were roasting it
Can you believe some cultures still communicate with clicky noises or primitive hieroglyphs?
*clicks keyboard furiously*
*adds 17 emojis*
Boy: do u have any fantasies
Me: ok.. so.. the library of alexandria is under siege& Im a librarian whos good at fighting& I save the books
If both kids are screaming….
….both kids are alive.
It’s science
In my experience, bowling and pancakes have the same energy.
High hopes at the beginning, lowered self-esteem at the end.
Him: What dat mouf do?
Me: Talk a lot of shit and eat fried chicken.
It’s true I hear voices in my head but they speak Russian so I have absolutely no idea what they’re saying
When you gaze into the abyss, the abyss also gazes into you, wraps a towel around itself and screams oh wait that’s my neighbor haha Hi Pam!
I went on my daughter’s movie field trip with her class so of course I snuck in snacks and she snitched on me to her teacher then had the audacity to ask me to share
Goldilocks: [on Xanax] you know what? these are all fine
Once again, I’ve been asked to bring the bag of ice to the family Thanksgiving dinner.
My friend offered me a free pole dance class. I said no. With my debt, the last thing I need to find out is that I’m great at pole dancing.
I feel bad when a fly gets into my house. I know that little guy is starving cause I ate and left no crumbs
Eating Tums is just sage-burning for your intestines.
I never chase a man.
I always go for the ones who are too fat to run.
Them: life is so unfair sometimes
Me, thinking of how I’ve never been befriended by a wild animal: yeah it really is
[3rd date]
Kate: You wanna come back to mine for coffee?
Ian: Sure!
Kate: Have you got any condoms?
Ian: Do you not know how to make coffee?
Punish millennials by making a Three’s Company reference and forcing them to Google it or talk to an elder.
Me: Alexa, when will computers become self-aware?
Alexa: When will YOU become self-aware?
M: *gazing out a window, crying* good one, Alexa
Guys, I need a good recipe that will make my guests never come visit again.
ME (working in a bank): Ugh I am so tired today
ROBBER: EVERYONE ON THE GROUND & DO NOT MOVE
ME [blowing up neck pillow] I could kiss you
I’d rather fork than spoon.