My office is across the hall from my bedroom but I won’t let that stop me from blaming this snowstorm for making me late tomorrow
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My wife never catches me scoping out the hot chick because she’s too busy judging the hot chick.
The human race: shoots a math problem into space
Aliens: ah christ a species of nerds
Old high school classmate: Really? You’re about to have your 4th child?
Me: Are you surprised I like kids?
Him: I’m surprised you had sex.
receptionists will look u straight in the eye and ask if ur available in 5 months and 18 days
[traffic stop]
Officer: Ma’am, do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: *backseat full of penguins* Um, I’m guessing the aquarium called?
Hey girls: FYI, if you tilt the camera up just a wee bit higher you can actually get your face in the picture.
Just got another idiot, who now thinks he’s good at karate, to paint my fence and wax my cars. Lol.
*Mr. Miagi on Twitter
Chicago launched an innovative new ride-sharing program today and the way it works is some guy stole my bike.
My 3yo just ate a bunch of almonds and complained his chin hurt from the salt.
I asked him if he wanted a wet napkin to help.
He said he needed a dinner roll to help it.
Now he’s holding a King’s Hawaiian Roll on his chin.
Life was once a string of awkward silences but then I got a kazoo
Since I started yoga I’ve got so flexible I can now bend over far enough to see my toes.
You talk an awful lot for someone who claims to advocate for peace.
There should be a true crime story about feeding someone a peanut butter sandwich and giving them nothing to drink.
*stops next to punks at red light*
*stares them down, turns up The Walking Dead opening music*
*light turns green, slowly accelerates*
Interviewer: This isn’t a glamorous position.
Me: I understand. I’m willing to do anything.I: We expect you to arrive before sunrise.
Me: No problem.I: Carry 50lb bags of grain.
Me: I’m your girl.I: Muck the stalls.
Me: Of course.I: Answer the phone —
Me: I’m out.
Home Alone 2? Shame on you. Home Alone 3? Shame on me.
{Me to my dogs}
No more table scraps.
(5 seconds later)
Here you go.
Had a guy message me to tell me no DMs so I didn’t answer his message and then he got upset I didn’t answer his message… and y’all say women are weird.
health teacher: so, all of our bodies are about 70% water
snowman exchange student: (raises hand)
Honestly, my biggest fear about becoming a zombie is all the socializing.
Damn even I didn’t expect him to lift up the pizza lol
I’m not an introvert; I’m just a very inept extrovert.
noah’s wife: so, how’s your little project going?
noah: little project? {he sighs, grabs his plate & gets up from the table} i’m going to eat dinner in my room
I saw The Exorcist when I was 12 and when Father Karras asked Regan what his mother’s maiden name was and she boots pea soup all over him, a guy in the theater yelled ‘his mother’s name was Green’ and that was the first time I really understood what comic relief meant
reporter: tell us what happened
me: some BEEEPing motherBEEEPer crashed into my car
reporter: you dont have to say beep we put them in after
We’re just started on a 6 hour drive and the boys simultaneously jinxed each other. They won’t talk until I say their names and they’re silently mouthing things at each other.
I just won the traveling with kids lottery.
5yo: knock knock
Me:
5: Mom, knock KNOCK
Me:
5: I said KNOCK KNOCK!!
Me: Sorry, you know how I feel about answering the door, buddy.
I put the p in pants.
You’d be surprised how much of parenting is reminding your children not to eat soup with their hands.